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Let me take you into the “way-back” machine for a moment to appreciate the innovative origin and continued potency of these terms in helping us to understand communication patterns that become not only toxic but, like most toxic agents eventually, they become life-destroying. As a student at the University of Michigan School of Social Work in the early 1980’s, I was fortunate to enjoy a particular area of study called systems theory, owing to the fact that the university had privileged this expertise with the recruitment of several pioneers in the field of systems theory.

As an eager and curious student of this perspective, I came into contact with the work of Gregory Bateson, Paul Watzlawick, and John Weakland, who were studying the roots of schizophrenia. Bateson studied the “psychological roots of schizophrenia (putting aside the theories relating to brain dysfunction and the body itself).” In this endeavor, they made potent insights about communication. “To Bateson, communication was what made human relationships possible. In other words, it acted like a support beam… Bateson said that we have to get rid of the double bind that occasionally comes up in communication.” [see article referenced below]

So, let’s clarify. The double message is a series of conflicting or opposite messages given in any number of ways and insidious combinations that sets up a dilemma for the person or people receiving them. In other words, the dilemma is that no matter which message I respond to, I will remain in conflict with the other message. The other message will then be the cause of a problem that will cause me to experience conflict, loss or devaluation. This is classically the “lose/lose” scenario. Let’s break it down.

To offer a break in the analytic nature of this analysis, let me offer you a somewhat subtle example from my early adult life with my step-father. One day when he was visiting, I returned from a day-long seminar on a subject of interest and importance for me related to my profession. At the dinner table he asked in a seemingly casual manner without looking at me, “So how was your wing-ding?” At this moment, the confusion and negative energy of the double message felt just like a bee sting. I immediately noticed the need to decode and decide, “Should I respond because he has demonstrated the effort of showing interest in my day?,” or “Should I ignore the question because of the implied devaluing treatment of its importance by calling it a ‘wing-ding’?” At this point in life, I was at least able to utilize my caution and claim some inner boundaries, so I took my time. As I thought this through, I realized that there would be no point in confronting the devaluing insinuation of his comment, realizing he would simply take exception and turn the tables calling me over-sensitive, or perhaps create some other deflection. On the other hand, I also knew that I did not need to pretend that he was respectfully or genuinely interested in my workshop. How I actually responded to him is lost in my memory owing to the greater impact I experienced in realizing how endless and often subtle his double messages could be. If memory serves me at all, I believe I responded with mutual disregard by mumbling something like, “Fine.” Not particularly empowering in my action step, but definitely empowering from an awareness moment.

Today, however, (some thirty years on, mind you) I believe I would bring my stronger and more authoritative adult “I” to the encounter and say something like, “I don’t think of it as a ‘wing-ding’, and I’m not sure that inspires me to want to discuss it with you.” Maybe we can think of the double message/double bind as an opportunity (first) to notice it, and (second) to exercise the adult “I” with a statement of some kind that gives expression to it. We can also think of the double message/double bind as an opportunity to make a decision (take an action step) that comes from our adult “I,” primarily by stepping back and not playing the game, simply not participating in it. We may do this from a place within ourselves that simply ignores and steps away (“grey rock” is the popular expression that exemplifies this strategy), or make a choice to confront and stand up to the violation (utilizing a rehearsed assertiveness script). Either way, the decisions to ignore the no-win scenario, opt out of it verbally, or stand up to it, are all different ways that we can exercise our adult “I.” Please, make no mistake here. The potent efforts to practice these efforts consciously will powerfully reinforce the positive momentum of your recovery. I believe, exponentially!

Additionally, our awareness of the toxicity of these dynamics, and our progressive ability to disallow them, also helps us to recognize our need to find individuals who can offer deeper listening and empathy. We develop in our ability to discover and claim healthier relationships as well as to nurture them as valued friends, perhaps family members, community support people, and of course, service providers such as therapists.

To reinforce our understanding, let’s go for one more clarification with a quote from the article cited earlier.

“According to Bateson, a double bind is a communication dilemma that comes from a conflict between two or more messages. So it doesn’t matter what you do, because any choice you make will be wrong. This is a situation in which communication only causes suffering and can even lead to psychological disorders.”

So, let’s bring the subject back to the heart of the matter – narcissistic abuse! Communication in the hands of the NPD (narcissistic personality disordered) individual is often rife with double messages and their subsequent double binds. For instance, the narcissist may say one thing and do another, later revising history to disavow his or her previous stance. Or perhaps, the disavowal takes on a different quality. The person may clearly be giving off an aloof or agitated demeanor, all the while verbally indicating that everything is fine, perhaps even expressing positive and pleasant statements.

Let me be clear here. Any of us can at times think and behave in a contradictory manner, and indeed, we will invariably become somewhat defensive when it is first pointed out to us. However, those of us with a capacity for self-reflection and self-examination and a desire to become a better human being will take some time to do just that. Should something hurtful or dysfunctional on our part be brought to our attention, we will explore this attitude and/or behavior and work to develop self-awareness so that we can grow and change. This process is generally known as developing our character qualities – a lifelong commitment that requires our willingness to work on ourselves. Certainly, we all deserve feedback from others that is thoughtful and respectful in this endeavor as we help each other to grow and mature. However, if communication among people was always in good faith (positive intention), we would not be having this exchange of writer and reader, and you would not be in need of this information.

The truth is, once we are on the slippery slope of involvement with a person who may have a personality disorder, we need to gird ourselves for dealing with someone with a very different set of intentions – intentions that utilize these toxic patterns (consciously and unconsciously almost as a matter of course) for a decidedly more sinister purpose – mainly the intention to dominate the situation, and ultimately the other person or persons.

Children who grow up in intensely narcissistic family systems are subject to exactly this type of communication pattern, over and over, day in and day out. The double message/double bind is, in fact, so ubiquitous in these family systems that the grown child, now the adult, will invariably miss the subtle, or not so subtle cues, that could help him or her steer clear of yet another narcissistic relationship. I have endlessly heard adult children of narcissistic families express with exasperation how they feel as though they have a dysfunctional radar system that draws them into codependent relationships with narcissistic friends, lovers, co-workers, et cetera.

Yes, unfortunately, the radar system has been disabled by long-standing patterns of conditioned entrenchment with this communication style. In fact, more serious than that – this double message/double bind communication is the fuel of the habituated mentality that believes reality is made up of warring opposites, a world view limited to a win/lose. This world view, in turn, perpetuates the age-old pain and suffering of the dominator/dominated relationship dynamic that so characterizes the worst of our human history.

So we can see as we climb the ladder from the individual in a family system, to the societal, all the way to the national, global, even universal system, how limited we will remain if we cannot free ourselves from this type of mental conditioning. We have known for some time now that the universe is a dynamic interplay of symbiotic reciprocity. This reciprocity among human beings can only be managed through our conscious proactive efforts that demonstrate our recognition and respect for our mutuality. Mother Nature is stringent in her requirements for balance. Our observations of all living things teach us this if nothing else. Do we imagine Mother Nature or the laws of the universe will be any less stringent in its requirements of us as human beings if we wish to survive on this planet?

Conscious sustainment of our survival, therefore, will only be achieved as we recognize and respect our interdependence and inherent mutual rights to exist with dignity and freedom. We are on the precipice of a collective choice, a choice that will be determined by our ability to recognize the need to reject the cynical, dualistic scenario of the win/lose, either/or, dominator/dominated, in favor of the life-sustaining view that respects our mutuality (the and-also framework). Indeed, we need to commit to the elevation of our consciousness with all our strength and integrity so that we can help each other find our freedom, grow, and claim our true mutual fulfillment in this wondrous universe.

(Excerpts from Gregory Bateson’s Double Bind Theory, ExploringYourMind.com, Aug. 16, 2018.)

These are some of the character qualities we need for today’s moment!

Greetings, dear readers! Let me apologize for the long delay with posting. Indeed, the world has dramatically changed since early March, and I extend my empathy and sincere wishes for your health and safety. I also hope you can access some of the qualities named above, but perhaps most of all courage, empathy and resilience as you, and all of us, face the many challenges of this marathon crisis.

Interestingly, just the day before the shutdown in my home state of Michigan, I lost my beloved watch of thirty-five years – not an expensive treasure, just a very sturdy, everyday Seiko watch. Despite my mother’s reassuring voice in my head saying, ‘Don’t worry, it will turn up,’ the symbolism is not lost on me. Time really has stopped in our world, with all the sound of a turbo-charged hot rod coming to a screeching halt.

In addition to my lost watch, I discovered only today as I write this post that I didn’t press the “publish” key to upload my last blog post. At the time, just when I thought, ‘I’ve got this,’ and I told our online web design project manager that I could post this myself – alas, I placed it in some kind of digital limbo space. Breathe in patience and self-acceptance, exhale frustration and self-judgement. And yet (here comes the reframe) perhaps this was meant to be since the title of the blog was Prioritizing Your Self-Protection Skills for Your Healing and Empowerment Process. For those of you still living in the same environment with the NPD person, this focus has become more important than ever.

So, let’s reiterate the message of the previous blog post – the first priority is safety – mental, emotional and physical. Whatever the circumstances are with the narcissist(s) in your life, and certainly the dynamics will intensify as you are sharing the same physical space, it is important to remember that any degree of confrontation that involves exposing the narcissist’s wrongdoing or irresponsible behavior is potentially a trigger that can light the fuse of verbal, mental or physically abusive behavior on the part of the narcissist. If you are living in the same environment, your number one challenge will be to reduce your exposure and engagement with the narcissist. Keep your encounters superficial and do not allow issue discussions to ensue. This does not mean that you stop setting limits on escalating behaviors such as provocations to debate or rude snipes intended to trigger a reaction. In fact, you may need a well-developed list of phrases that call for a stop action – particularly so you don’t go off-script. Phrases that we have mentioned previously are:

KEEP A FIRM, STEADY AND NEUTRAL TONE. It won’t be perfect – but do your best to find your inner “Nonreactive warrior!”

It is vital that you try not to engage a confrontation of the issues or past behaviors at this juncture since this will only fuel the fire. It is also vital that you follow up your “I statement” with behavior that demonstrates that you mean it. If things escalate, and you cannot get away, you may need to call 911 or have a signal key easily accessible on your phone to alert a friend to call for you.

Even if you are not living with the narcissist, the extra time available right now for online communications through Facebook, Instagram, texts, etc. are all potential traps that can draw you back into to the quicksand of hasty messages that can quickly overtake any sober capacity you might have had to disengage.

Now let’s prioritize a very important strategy for self-care and self-protection. Discern and clarify for yourself the behaviors and attitudes that are the most toxic for you. On a mental and emotional level it can be quite a challenge to discern the behaviors that are the most toxic. Yet, it is vital that we begin this process. So let’s spell it out. The most toxic behaviors, whether they are overt or covert, are those behaviors – and corresponding emotional attitudes on the part of the narcissist – that erode your core sense of self.

You may be thinking that doesn’t make sense because all of his or her behaviors have that impact! However, as you observe the dynamics of your interactions with the narcissist you will quickly realize that some repetitive comments, expressions, or behaviors are far more toxic for you than others. This may be due to all kinds of factors, which will undoubtedly be very interesting to explore eventually, but for the moment, the salient point is this: the most toxic behaviors are the ones that you will want to immediately prioritize for the development of self-protection strategies – not necessarily assertiveness strategies initially, but self-protection strategies that help you to feel more empowered within yourself and able to lessen the impact from within your awareness.

The reason for this may be obvious. It is vital to develop self-protection skills that help you to stabilize your own reactive nervous system so that you can remain more mentally objective, emotionally sober and able to make choices that keep you on a path towards reclaiming your healthy self.  No doubt, you have observed that your capacity to maintain your emotional equilibrium is seriously compromised when you are engaged with the narcissist. Often simply being in the same room with the narcissist is a destabilizing experience from the perspective of your energy and optimism.

Let’s remember an earlier blog post when we discussed the potency of the observing self, an aspect of self that empowers us to reflect on our thoughts, feelings and body senses as important messengers for understanding and learning from our experiences. When triggered by the narcissist, we become reactive, and our access to this function is diminished. Our diminished access to our observing self, in turn, causes us to lose ground staying centered and self-aware, and we are far more prone to be drawn into the potent force field of the narcissist’s personality.

Consequently, as you begin to recognize the behaviors that are the most toxic and triggering, you will empower your ability to develop strategies that place mental and emotional boundaries around these triggers. Your inner emotional boundaries and self-protection strategies will help you to strengthen your ability to remain centered. Finally, you will gain confidence and appreciate that it is this very awareness that empowers your platform for change.

Your intention to identify and rank the most toxic behaviors on the part of the narcissist is quite an effective exercise by itself that will help you develop and strengthen your observing self, particularly your awareness surrounding your interactions. You can also strengthen your skills in observation by committing (even minimally) to a process of journaling.  As you observe and journal your own emotional reactions and behaviors surrounding these toxic triggers, you will eventually be able to chart your progress and positively reinforce your change. This growing awareness will, in turn, create more space and afford you more energy – energy that empowers you to find more and more creative ways to disengage from these toxic behaviors.

Initially, you may utilize simple self-statements (that you say silently to yourself) in the form of “I am” statements that reinforce your awareness of your inherent rights. Let’s review these inherent rights and some “I am” self-statements that help to reinforce them:

As we “shelter in place,” your primary tools will be journaling, meditation, participating in groups online and with YouTube, phone calls with friends, and so on. Also, you can take advantage of podcasts, books and spiritual mentors that comfort and inspire. A client today told me that her CODA group (codependency anonymous) was meeting online!

Classes and webinars online that nurture your interests, whatever they might be, are additional ways that you can create more positive connections and support your emotional wellness. You might also explore pursuing therapy online during this shutdown if you haven’t yet done this. Eventually, you will reconnect in person with your support people and groups. As I discuss in my second book, select and try out the practices and support systems that fit you best. Be flexible with these tools and be aware that you may prioritize different strategies for different challenges.

For the moment, however, reinforce your support systems with telecommunications or virtual communications, and remember always to use your tools!

For interested readers of this blog, the following material presented here is largely taken from my second book, Discovering the Healthy Self and Meaningful Resistance to Toxic Narcissism, and the chapter heading with the same title, “Identifying the Primary Triggers for Violence.”

As I mentioned in my previous blog, if your relationship or family system reflects any of the abuse dynamics previously described, there is little doubt that the potential for violence exists. You may also need to confront the denial or the stereotype that abuse only occurs in socioeconomically depressed families or chaotic environments. Regardless of socioeconomic status or other appearances, the narcissist abuser harbors pent-up anger, envy and contempt for individuals that reside in his or her inner circle and these realities increase the potential for violence.

Let’s also remember that there are various forms of violence: emotional violence (violence that erodes a person’s sense of self), social violence (devaluing a person’s reputation in the public domain), financial violence (using money to dominate and control or to commit fraud), and of course, physical violence (pushing, shoving, throwing things, blocking or restraining a person’s free movement, purposefully putting a person in a physically harmful situation such as reckless driving, leaving doors unlocked, etc.).

When dealing with the narcissist abuser, you must seek help from a professional qualified to assess the severity of the issues and recommend the extra support you may require. In fact, any potential for violence will require interventions that exceed the normal guidelines of emotional healing and recovery. Professionals with expertise in the area of emotional and physical abuse are inevitably more aware and sensitive to the potential for violence in any given scenario, even if there is no history of violence.

Another effective beginning tool would be to complete one of the danger assessment inventories that can be found on the internet. These inventories can assist you in discerning the level of risk for violence that may exist in an emotionally abusive relationship – not just a romantic relationship – but perhaps a family relationship or a business relationship. At one time, Gavin de Becker’s “dangerousness inventory” was offered for free on Oprah’s website. Additionally, de Becker’s book, The Gift of Fear, is a sobering book that educates his readers about the realities of predatory sociopaths and some of the more common practices that can help alert an individual to protect against manipulations and wily practices.

Finally, let’s take note of an important finding of Frank S. Perri, JD, MBA, CPA and Terrance G. Lichtenwald, PhD. Their work underscores the degree of caution that a codependent must consider regarding behaviors that may trigger violence in the narcissist with sociopathic tendencies. After conducting a careful analysis of cases where white-collar criminals committed violent crimes, Perri and Lichtenwald (2007, 2008) identified an entire sub-category of criminal that the FBI previously had not recognized. Their findings revealed that given the right circumstances and personality traits, the white-collar criminal (who had previously remained undetected) can “turn red” and become violent when they realize that they are discovered and may be exposed. The victims of these crimes are generally someone with whom the “red-collar” criminal has been intimately associated, either within the family (a spouse) or within the workplace (a coworker or an employer).

Although their findings are aimed at improving law enforcement and crime detection, their work also holds great significance for the prevention of violence on the part of the narcissist abuser against the codependent. These findings are relevant for two reasons:

Let’s return for a moment to the codependent’s perspective – tormented by relentless devaluing projections and emotional manipulations. With the discovery of the narcissist’s wrongdoing, the codependent now possesses the proof that validates her own reality. At this moment, she may experience a powerful desire to turn the tables on the narcissist. The impulse to ambush her partner in righteous confrontation, threatening to expose him or threatening immediate divorce action, may feel almost impossible to resist. Despite this irresistible temptation, confronting the narcissist can have catastrophic side effects, potentially triggering the NPD person’s capacity for violence.

Additionally, the period of time leading up to and following a divorce must be regarded as a potentially high-risk scenario for the risk of violence. As de Becker’s work reminds us, statistics on violence have amply demonstrated the increase of violence during this time frame. Here, we can see how the NPD individual can be triggered when the consequences of his actions become real and immediately felt.

In summary, confrontation of any unethical or unlawful behavior on the part of the NPD individual is something to approach with caution – especially emotionally-charged situations such as divorce actions or employment conflicts. Your wisest choice is to discreetly seek professional help so that you can utilize skillful disengagement strategies as you set limits and refuse to allow the emotional and/or physical abuse to continue. This will primarily be safely undertaken with outside help. Recommended reading for further education would be: Martha Stout – The Sociopath Next Door, Gavin de Becker – The Gift of Fear, Marie-France Hirigoyen – Stalking the Soul, Howard Halpern – How to Break Your Addiction to a Person, Eleanor Payson – Discovering the Healthy Self and Meaningful Resistance to Toxic Narcissism.

Perhaps our culture’s most pressing concern at this moment in human history is identifying and protecting against severe narcissistic disturbance in individuals. The malignant narcissist (the narcissist with multiple features of sociopathy) in a position of power is a formidable destructive force, whether on a personal level affecting an entire family, or on a governmental level capable of affecting an entire nation and indeed the welfare of our global existence.

Efforts to counteract this destructive force seems to be gaining ground as stories and educational information in our contemporary dialogue are focused on helping people to recognize the danger signs and the insidious dynamics of narcissist abuse. In the personal arena, more and more people are empowering themselves with educational resources and support people that help restore their sense of sanity and resilience. Hopefully, we will also awaken in time to marshal our efforts and protect our hard-fought gains towards democracy and our precious planetary ecology that houses our collective human family.

Marie-France Hirigoyen, author of Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity, emphasizes a potent and salient point: the person caught in an emotionally abusive relationship must first extricate herself from the abusive relationship before she can begin the healing and growth process. While the complex nature of these scenarios rarely allows for a clear-cut exit, the point she makes here deserves to be highlighted – the longer a person has been exposed to the depleting dynamics of narcissist abuse, the more difficult it becomes for the victim to recognize and disengage from the abuse.

We could also apply this same equation to our collective health and identity as citizens of a democratic society. The following description is from a chapter in my second book, in which I summarize Hirigoyen’s potent descriptions of the four stages of abuse and the deteriorating impact involved in each stage.

Today the term “gaslighting” is perhaps the most popular concept discussed on the web that parallels Hirigoyen’s stages of emotional abuse. For readers not familiar with the term, gaslighting derives from a famous 1940’s movie called Gaslight about a sociopathic husband who slowly drives his wife crazy by undermining her confidence in her capacity to know what is real.

Similarly, Hirigoyen’s four stages of abuse offer much-needed insight into the insidious erosion of the victim’s core sense of self.

Any degree of this kind of treatment in an intimate, family, business, or social relationship is enough reason to reach out for support and help from a professional outside the system where these abusive dynamics are in play. Additional sources of support might be healthy family members, friends, support groups, spiritual mentors, colleagues, and so on. If the professional support person does not seem to appreciate, validate, or “get it” about what you are experiencing, then give yourself permission to move on and find another therapist. Online resources are also additional vital sources of information and validation. So, don’t limit yourself to just one source of support. You deserve the much-needed nourishment and validation for the restoration to your sense of self!

In the next blog we will discuss the importance of identifying the primary triggers for violence and the potential measures for self-protection. In the meantime, if you are presently concerned for your physical safety, please consider consulting a professional at a women’s shelter and begin the process of learning what you can do to protect yourself. You will also find more information regarding these issues in my second book, Discovering the Healthy Self and Meaningful Resistance to Toxic Narcissism.

As we discussed in the previous blog, the term codependence generally refers to issues identified within the neurotic framework of pathology: meaning a person with low self-esteem, self-doubt, and some degree of insecurity with self, alongside behavioral patterns that involve a compulsive tendency to prioritize the needs and wishes of others as well as interpersonal skill deficits with self‑assertion.

To use an analogy with the physical body, when there is an injury and the body compensates to protect it, the emotional and psychological aspects of codependency will similarly seek to compensate for the felt psychological deficits. As with the physical body, we need the assistance of support people (say, a physical therapist) who educates and guides us with constructive practices that have a sustainable impact for restoration and return to an integrated state of wellness.

The primary deficit that the codependent person is compensating for consciously is a felt sense of insecurity and need for stronger connection with others, and unconsciously for a weak sense of connection with her authentic and whole self. Though the codependent is not as profoundly unconscious as the person with a personality disorder, he or she is still harboring feelings and beliefs of unworthiness that have unconscious roots.

The compensatory mechanism (like the body analogy with other muscle groups) is to tap into those functions that are most strong, in this case the codependent’s capacity for empathy and attunement to others, and a desire to perform and please others. Returning to our analogy, just as the physical therapist assists us to strengthen the weak muscle groups so that the strong muscle groups do not stay locked in an over-functioning state, so the helping professional will need to assist the codependent to strengthen her assertiveness skills with others, as well as her connection with her healthy and whole self!

Perhaps we might take a look at the whole picture by following the psychological and behavioral realities in sequence.

I can imagine what you might be thinking here. You might be asking, “what is the matter with the qualities of being a caring, helpful and conscientious support person?” The answer is nothing, of course! We can see here that the values of being empathic, caring, helpful, conscientious and so on, are noteworthy character qualities to be admired in any individual. The primary problem, however, is that these character qualities are all too often utilized as compensation and, indeed at times, camouflage for an inability to be authentically present with respect to other aspects of self. These other aspects of self are typically related to healthy entitlement regarding the value of sharing one’s own thoughts, feelings, ambitions, likes and dislikes. Indeed, we need a healthy valuing of these character qualities if we are going to express ourselves in scenarios that might cause tension or conflict with others.

Yet, the codependent’s internal confusion and self-doubt about her healthy rights in relationships (under-entitlement) alongside difficulties with self-assertion, makes for a mighty challenge to claim her authentic “yes’s” and “no’s” in relationships. Perhaps you have heard the old adage that we cannot really claim our “yes’s” until we can also claim our “no’s.”

Additionally, when we are preoccupied with something (the approval of others, for instance) we might ask, how present can we really be to the moment? And, when we are preoccupied with being accepted, liked, appreciated and so on, how genuinely observant can we be to the realities of another person, especially those realities that might signal problems and the need to say no, or to negotiate limits?

So the way out of this labyrinth for the codependent is to find safe places and safe people to explore…

Although in this blog post we will not be addressing the childhood wounding conditions that often contribute to the realities of codependency, I will just generally summarize that it tends to involve the child’s need to take care of the parent(s) in some way (even if to tolerate and keep quiet about the parent’s emotional or physical abuse) in order to gain a more functional parent, or in order to maintain the appearance of a functional family.

To return to the focus of this blog, which is to understand the problematic issues of codependent compensation for injuries and undeveloped aspects of self, it bears mentioning that – though not grandiose in the sense of the narcissistic personality disordered individual – there is a degree of grandiosity or a distorted valuing of the strengths mentioned earlier. The internal dialogue of the codependent that would give voice to this distorted self-perception might sound like the following:

You may notice that the codependent’s over-valuing and overuse of these character qualities (caring, empathy, and support) have now become fixed and habituated. The undiscovered character qualities of initiating one’s own pursuits and expressing one’s own opinions remain undeveloped and weak at best, and sometimes alarmingly atrophied at worst.

In addition, the undeveloped aspects of self in the codependent make it extremely challenging to recognize the need to step back and implement the necessary steps of “tough love” that involve setting limits, discerning appropriate consequences for inappropriate behaviors, and the utilization of support and help as reinforcements for the demonstration of constructive recovery efforts on the part of others. This is the work of CODA groups and Families Anonymous the world over, a learning curve that requires lots of education and support.

In my second book, I offer an overview of the healthy self and highlight the main characteristics of the healthy self. Perhaps the characteristic that is most in need of development for the codependent is the conscious embrace of the self as the center of initiative. Consequently, learning the art of assertiveness is a primary and foundational curriculum for every codependent. Finally, despite the important issues that warrant healing and commitment to self-development for a better life, I like to remind readers of a favorite quote I heard in a lecture once – “to be neurotic is a developmental achievement, not a developmental failure!” In my next blog, I will address the issues of the genuinely grandiose self of the narcissist, both overt and covert. And, we will attempt to understand how this “identity” plays such a potent compensatory role for the unconscious, disowned, and feeble authentic self.

Welcome back dear readers! I hope you have all had good holidays and are ready for a New Year of rewarding growth! With committed effort, I have every confidence that you will make meaningful progress with your endeavors and ambitions as well as greater fulfillment in your relationships of all types. This greater fulfillment will include neutralizing some of the toxic impact that exists with individuals demonstrating narcissistic traits or perhaps the narcissistic personality disorder. Eventually, this greater fulfillment will include you attracting new friends, perhaps business associations – a whole stable, in fact, of healthy, vibrant, reciprocal people into your life!

Prior to the holiday break, I had promised to address the issues of codependency and how these patterns in a person fit into the dynamics with individuals who demonstrate strong narcissistic traits or perhaps the narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). In my second book, Discovering the Healthy Self and Meaningful Resistance to Toxic Narcissism, I offered a clarification of the term codependency, which I feel is important due to the evolution of the term. 

In a nutshell, the term “codependency” was initially coined in the 1960s as psychology professionals were recognizing the common dynamics that occurred in families when one or more individuals suffered from the disease of addiction. Caught up in an ever-increasing effort to rescue and “fix” the addicted individual, family members became understandably – but ever more – preoccupied with these “helping” efforts and increasingly lost sight of their own needs (even their own thoughts and feelings). The behaviors and inner issues of these family members and close friends were termed “codependent.” 

Eventually, as the field of psychology evolved, family systems (the observation and understanding of interpersonal dynamics in “stressed” families) and ego psychology and self psychology (the observation and understanding of intrapsychic realities inside an individual’s psyche) began to integrate. Similarly, the term codependence has evolved to indicate a selection of traits that are both behavioral and intrapsychic. So, let’s list some of these behaviors as well as intrapsychic struggles. In my second book, I use the term “codependent neurotic” to help remind the reader that we are referencing habituated patterns that are both external (behavioral) and internal (intrapsychic).

Common codependent behaviors:

Common codependent intrapsychic issues (evidenced in individuals with neurotic issues):

While this is hardly an exhaustive list of codependent behaviors and intrapsychic issues, you get the idea here. In addition, codependency, like unhealthy narcissism, exists on a continuum from mild traits, to moderate, to severe issues. Finally, while codependency is reflective of significant and painful issues, which is the bad news, there is also a reality to this picture that we could say is good! 

As I mentioned in my last blog post, I have always enjoyed the phrase, “that’s bad – that’s good,” which came from the title of a children’s book that our son enjoyed when he was little. So, here is the “that’s good” part. Codependent neurotic issues also means that the person still has some connection (albeit, perhaps weak) to the authentic or healthy self and the vital functions of the healthy self.

Let’s remember that the three primary functions of the healthy self are:

Our capacity for growth and development is, in fact, dependent on our sustained connection to these functions! These are the functions that allow the codependent individual – or any of us for that matter – to recognize that we have a problem (or perhaps a significantly undeveloped aspect in ourselves) and undertake the work required to heal and grow.

Previously in an Instagram post, I summarized a concept from a book I have long admired and recommended by Howard Halpern, PhD, titled, How to Break Your Addiction to a Person. He illuminates the potency of “Attachment Hunger” and the profound emotional power it exerts particularly in individuals that have had significant wounding with regards to unmet attachment needs. Keep in mind here, that these issues will exist in everyone to some degree because they are a part and parcel of the human experience. However, when we are looking into the realities of codependency, one doesn’t need to venture very far into this book to see how well he identifies a core issue underlying some of the more intractable issues of codependency in a person.

The confounding challenge to extricate from an unfulfilling relationship (or an unproductive relationship if it is a business partnership) feels even more impossible when a codependent individual is involved with the seductive and manipulative dynamics of a narcissistic or NPD individual. In these instances we have the classic scenario of the codependent becoming trapped in a kind of relationship addiction dynamic. And, hopefully, as an experienced life traveler, you can at least appreciate from the sidelines – if not from experience – how formidable the task can be to break the attraction, attachments, and dependencies that are experienced from the trenches of addiction! So, if you are struggling to get out of a toxic relationship that you are only too aware needs to end, I would recommend that you add this book to your arsenal.

Obviously, there is much more to be discussed, and we will continue to delve into important realities related to recovery from codependence, narcissistic traits, and recognition of narcissism and codependence in its infinite variety. Identifying how to survive and extricate safely from toxic relationships, no matter what type they might be, is perhaps the first order of business. How to heal and thrive is another big stretch on the journey. And, while we are working on these different phases of recovery, we can also develop our awareness and skills so that we get better and better at navigating our new relationships, no matter how transient or long-term they may be depending on the circumstances that bring people in and out of our lives.

What is the difference between having narcissistic traits vs. narcissistic personality disorder?

I am asked this question frequently because many people struggling in relationships with narcissistic individuals are understandably keen to learn if there is hope for change, or if one is stuck on the merry-go-round of repeating patterns indefinitely. So, first let me encourage you to take a step back and realize that answers to these questions are not easy even for the experienced therapist to discover. In your efforts to wrestle with these issues in any relationship, let me also encourage you to build a good support system for the journey and commit to the development of self-care strategies that nourish and repair the inevitable depletion to your own sense of self that occurs in these relationships.

The desire for a person to explore these questions often brings to my mind a children’s book I once read called That’s Good! That’s Bad! While the challenges are difficult and painful – that’s bad! Yet, we inevitably discover and develop wisdom and empowerment along the way – that’s good! Hmm, I guess also like Dorothy’s journey in The Wizard of Oz. Okay, back to the business at hand.

Learning how to discern the difference between narcissistic traits in a person vs. the presence of a deeper pathology is similar to how a doctor diagnoses a disease – it comes into view as the symptoms emerge and what they look like over time. Likewise, the narcissistic personality disorder is diagnosed from the presence of a number of behaviors and disturbances that occur over time along with an observed degree of severity and prevalence of these problematic patterns. Narcissistic traits might reference both intrapsychic preoccupations with self (within the individual’s psyche) and interpersonal behaviors (interactional dynamics that hijack the narcissistic supplies with others). Narcissistic traits, therefore, can be manifest in a person who has traits but not the full personality disorder. On the other hand, they will inevitably be a powerful part of the picture of those individuals who do have the full narcissistic personality disorder.

So, to complete this overview, let’s consider an example of an intrapsychic and interpersonal trait that would deserve to be identified as a “narcissistic trait.” One narcissistic trait might be a person’s anxious or tense preoccupation with what others think along with a significant dwelling on how to manage a positive impression such as success, power, charm, intelligence, talent and so on. Behaviorally, the individual may have a difficult time letting others “take the floor” to share something of themselves, or the narcissistic individual may covertly demonstrate a patronizing stance that insinuates a kind of credit-taking for another person’s success, perhaps usurping the accomplishment by subtly referencing his or her indispensable support. This example helps us to notice how the intrapsychic trait of preoccupation with what others think leads to the interpersonally exploitative exchanges in the person’s outer behaviors.

Other narcissistic traits might be: an interactional exchange that becomes more one-way perhaps with regards to listening, or more taking than giving with regards to efforts made in your negotiations such as when and where you are going to meet, who is going to drive, who is going to pay for something, etc. The narcissistic traits are not always in the concrete details (although you certainly want to pay attention to these) but more in the attitude of respectful consideration that is demonstrated, or not demonstrated, as you negotiate your shared involvement. When you can maintain a fuller awareness of your own feelings and observations along with your commitment to a process of communication that is respectful and fair, you will have more opportunity to notice how the other person interacts with you. In other words, is he or she demonstrating a similar “good faith” effort, or by contrast is he or she subtly or openly diverting and preventing a process of mutuality in the exchange? We can see here how much work may need to be done on your part to elevate your awareness of yourself – your thoughts and feelings, your observation skills, and your communication skills.

Let’s return to the discernment of narcissistic traits in a person vs. the potential narcissistic personality disorder. An individual with only strong narcissistic traits, but not the personality disorder, will generally have some awareness of these issues and their negative impact. Though defensive initially when the problematic behaviors are brought to the person’s attention, the person with narcissistic traits will generally demonstrate a degree of genuine concern as well as some motivation to work on the issues. In other words, once the escalated moment of confrontation calms down, the person with narcissistic traits is able to demonstrate, at least to a degree, a willingness to self-reflect and to take some ownership of his or her contribution to the challenging event. Inevitably, these confrontations involve contrasting perceptions and feelings on the part of each participant. As mentioned earlier, your ability to effectively communicate without getting caught in the trap of emotional reactivity, or intellectual wheel spinning, will involve your full commitment to learning the art and skill of assertiveness communication, which also includes learning to set limits and disengage.

The initial signals indicating that a narcissistic personality disorder is present are many and varied, yet perhaps the endless appearance of mental and/or emotional amnesia regarding the problematic behaviors is one of the more prominent features that may signal the presence of a personality disorder. In other words, regardless of how many times a problematic pattern has occurred and how many times you may have stated your frustration and insistence that something change, the individual with a personality disorder will often demonstrate a mental amnesia (an inability to remember that the problem has occurred repetitively and/or that you have addressed it explicitly and repetitively) or, on the other hand, an emotional amnesia (the incident is remembered, but the significant emotional distress that it caused is forgotten and dismissed despite you having made your distress evident).

In a nutshell, individuals with personality disorders of all kinds have a remarkable capacity to deny (repress or suppress acknowledgement of problematic behaviors) or a remarkable capacity to compartmentalize an issue (separate the issue into some kind of “compartment” so that it exists only in an abstract and diminished form). The demonstration of these formidable defense structures seems to be at least one hallmark that may signal the presence of a personality disorder. The defenses of splitting and projection are other common defenses utilized in the more primitive defense structures of the personality disordered individual. For the purposes of this blog, I will refer you to my books to learn more about these defense structures.

Additional to the presence of potent defense structures, there are also vital functions within the person that are missing or perhaps marginally operating such as an observing self, a capacity for sustained empathy, and self-regulation of impulses and emotions. This overall picture eventually allows the clinician to recognize the presence of a personality disorder, which in a nutshell means that the person’s sense of self is organized around the presence of deep defense structures that cover an arrested development of the important functions previously mentioned. The outer presentation (personality or persona) is often a long-standing protective disguise camouflaging the deeper issues that will generally be observed only in relationships where there is extended and repeated involvement. Prognosis for change with the full NPD will be significantly less optimistic. Yet with sustained and committed therapy effort, there can be a softening of the brittle and rigid nature of the defenses. Perhaps significantly more progress can occur if the individual is motivated and working with the right therapist. Unfortunately, the motivation for this kind of work with the NPD is rather rare.

Eventually, a clearer picture will emerge. If the issues are only “narcissistic traits,” they will be just that – traits – that over time will diminish along with more self-awareness and skill development. Of course, this progress can only occur when the individual commits to a sustained effort to work on his or her issues. By contrast, the individual with the narcissistic personality disorder (or – it bears mentioning – other types of personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder, passive aggressive personality disorder, obsessive compulsive personality disorder, etc.) will demonstrate an inevitable return to the basic patterns and defense structures that become so confounding and toxic for the healthier individuals in his or her life.

It is also not uncommon for people who come into therapy with me to acknowledge that they are aware of a potential mix of both narcissistic traits and codependent tendencies in themselves. To these individuals, I inevitably say bravo, welcome to the middle ground (healthier foundation) of human development and a capacity for self-awareness that allows for healing and growth! For any individual, the journey towards healing, growth, and self-realization (self-actualization) must start with awareness! We simply must begin to see a clearer picture of ourselves and others if we are going to progress in our development. As we begin to understand what the healthy self is all about and the continuum of narcissistic disturbance, we can feel a sense of inspired empowerment to heal, grow and find a deeper fulfillment as we enjoy the journey of pursuing our goals in life. In the next blog post we will examine the issues of codependency and explore how they fit into the picture of narcissistic disturbances we have been exploring in this discussion.

Okay, now that we have generally summarized the three categories of narcissistic supplies, we can begin to discuss their importance with respect to our relationships, no matter what type of relationship. Of course, the more involved we are with a person the more important it will be to assess the nature (the dynamics) of our exchanges of narcissistic supplies. To name a few of these types of relationships, they might be…

Often we can get a handle on why we feel generally positive after an encounter with someone, such as calm, satisfied, confident or uplifted. Or conversely, we may feel drained, tense, anxious or uncertain after spending time with someone. Inevitably there is a direct correlation to the quality of the exchange of narcissistic supplies. If we feel grounded and generally good following a date, a meeting, or even a brief encounter, the exchanges of narcissistic supplies are likely to have been shared in healthy and generous ways. By contrast, if our interactions leave us feeling drained and generally off-kilter, we may wish to carefully evaluate the nature of our own and the other person’s part in giving and receiving narcissistic supplies. One other important emotional state to observe is the emotional state of infatuation or a euphoric and excited state. These feelings are not by definition wrong or problematic, but they can signal that we have been drawn into the charismatic and capturing trance of the narcissistic person’s potent personality. In fact, the popular phrase “love bombed” is a useful one for paying attention to this type of emotional flooding. This signals that we may have been showered, either verbally or nonverbally, with narcissistic supplies given by the narcissistic or NPD individual!

You may also notice what types of narcissistic supplies (of the three categories) seem to be the most commonly shared, or perhaps not shared. Frequently, when we have a negative “leftover” feeling, we may notice that there was a lack of these supplies, or perhaps they were intermittently mixed with subtle, or not so subtle, negative communications such as criticisms or odd remarks that have seemingly no direct connection to the context or subject of discussion. Quite commonly, with the “mirror hungry” narcissistic individual, we may have been bombarded with a verbal display or narrative that can flood any patient person’s capacity for listening. Or perhaps with the introverted narcissistic individual, we may encounter an exchange that is mixed with an odd set of nonverbal communications that adds an extra layer of challenge for decoding.

So, to encourage you to take this task to heart (observing the exchange of narcissistic supplies) if nothing else were to be gained, you would develop a greater capacity and skill with your observing self,” a vital function in any adult’s life. In truth, however, you will also develop a great many other capacities. You will develop your awareness and appreciation of how nurturing it feels to give and receive quality exchanges of narcissistic supplies with others. More importantly, you will improve your ability to identify quality people worthy of including into your various relationship circles.

You can also improve your ability to identify warning signals of the one-way relationship that will, in turn, allow you to keep boundaries in place for preventative protection against unfortunate and costly entanglements. Last but not least, when you are in a draining or even toxic relationship with a narcissistic or NPD individual, you can begin to evaluate some of the primary factors that make the relationship so exhausting and create better boundaries by reducing your exposure to these unhealthy exchanges. You will also start to really “get it” as to why it is so important to seek out healthy people capable of nurturing your wellness.

Let’s now dive into the more average range of functioning, among those individuals in our relationship circles. With our understanding of the various types of narcissistic supplies, we can also identify why some friends are so good at certain types of support and association, yet may be rather deficient (perhaps even extremely deficient) with other types of support or association.

Say you are a man with a very close friend who has demonstrated that he can be there for you to offer meaningful support with the challenges of life when the chips are down. Yet somehow, when good fortune comes along, or you accomplish a major achievement, this friend can barely muster a single affirmation such as “congratulations, good job,” or “I’m happy for you.” Believe it or not, this kind of strange inability to offer admiration/idealization can, in fact, be contrasted by a remarkable ability to offer twinship, or validation and empathy when life offers up painful experiences. Several factors, no doubt, are in play here with this odd pairing of ability and inability. Perhaps the friend never received much of the narcissistic supply of admiration/idealization himself. Further than that, perhaps he received negative conditioning that taught him that compliments foster weakness – “for what a person should do anyway” – believing that to offer affirmation is to foster “big head.” Whatever the reasons – and we can be sure that there are unconscious causes for this odd combination of capacities and deficiencies – we learn to work with the friends in our lives for what they can offer, and to turn to others for the needs we have that they can’t offer. Without this discernment, we may eventually find ourselves ending the friendship altogether due to the disappointment of his inability to share in one’s joy – a friendship that is very worthy in many ways. Needless to say, some friendships are so compromised regarding the ability to offer meaningful narcissistic supplies that we may need to distance ourselves or even end the connection.

Our discussion here would be woefully lacking if we did not mention the importance of improving our own efforts to offer these types of narcissistic supply with greater skill and generosity, particularly with respect to our closer relationships. In addition, as we observe our own efforts and skill in offering narcissistic supply to others, we begin to realize that we really do not want to unnecessarily feed the voracious appetite of those who would dominate without reciprocating the narcissistic supplies of life – an unconscious and compulsive tendency of codependency in a person to do just that. Learning how to be more intentional in our exchanges with others will help us to reshape our relationship circles over time so that they become much more fulfilling and meaningful.

When we are mindful of the healthy exchange of narcissistic supplies in our relationships, we can empower ourselves to maintain better boundaries and better balance. This, in turn, helps us to navigate the challenges with narcissistic individuals.

Like communication, mirroring, validation and empathy enable us to establish and sustain connections with each other as we negotiate the infinite variety of life’s realities. In addition, these vital exchanges of narcissistic supply are primarily verbal, yet they can also be expressed nonverbally in facial expressions and body language. Let’s take a look at how each of these elements of narcissistic supply can exist separately and yet how powerfully they can also work in tandem.

Mirroring – Analogous to a mirror, is a verbal or nonverbal expression that reflects back to another person the reality of her being. Take for example, the mother who playfully echoes her baby’s cooing vocalizations. As a witness to this intimate exchange, we might notice the joy that they each experience – a reflection of the delight that they are taking in each other’s presence – also an example of admiration/idealization. We might also recognize that this mirroring exchange communicates a sense of twinship (I am like you) as the mother lets herself engage in the baby’s form of self-expression. The mother in this scenario is providing the basic nutrients for the baby to see herself in the mother. In turn, the baby begins to internalize the potent awareness that her being and her connections with others are positive and reliable. If the mother were to behave in a consistently non-responsive manner to the baby’s efforts to communicate, we would eventually witness the frustrated and defeated countenance of the infant, even though it might be subtle. Indeed, if the primary caretakers of the baby and growing toddler are regularly deficient in providing basic mirroring functions, we can imagine how this child will internalize feelings of insecurity, loss, and frustration. Indeed, these internalized feelings may lead to any number of challenges later in life such as anxiety, a defeated attitude towards life, low frustration tolerance, and a general lack of resilience to the challenges of life.

Even as adults when we become emotionally reactive, we will witness a kind of emotional regression and neediness to be heard in a more precise way, one that may insist on word-for-word mirroring from a spouse or a friend. In fact, many relationship therapy and conflict management strategies tap into this understanding by teaching participants the importance of taking turns mirroring each other – as an initial step – in a process to achieve greater understanding of each other’s perspectives and eventually to find their common ground.

Validation is yet another stepping stone in our effort to reach beyond ourselves and communicate that we comprehend another person’s perspective, even when it may be quite different or in contrast to our own perspective. You can, no doubt, already see here that validation requires a significantly greater capacity both mentally and emotionally as we make the effort to value and respect the rights of others to have their own views. In a world that so commonly misconstrues validation with the concept of agreement, it can seem like a formidable step indeed to stretch beyond ourselves and “try on” another person’s viewpoint of reality. Yet, we make this effort so that we can let the person know that – although we may see something very differently – we can nonetheless comprehend how he or she views something and respect that he or she has a right to that perspective. In this rudimentary form, we are offering a kind of communication that validates that we comprehend and respect the person’s right to his or her perspective no matter how different from our own.

Of course, it is infinitely easier to validate another person’s perspective when it more closely resembles our own because we are always more comfortable with individuals with whom we feel we share a familiar outlook on life, perhaps due to an imbedded sense of twinship that we discussed in the previous blog post. In fact, as a therapist of many years, I have observed in both myself and my clients that even when we validate from a perspective of agreement, it can obscure our greater understanding of the unique nuances that are being expressed by the other person, because once again, the challenge is to see past ourselves and take in a more comprehensive understanding of the other person.

So, to recap, validation is some form of communication that says “I think I understand where you are coming from.” However, to demonstrate that we “get it,” we must try to summarize that understanding without inserting either our agreement or our disagreement. In other words, an exclusive validation of another person’s perspective would leave out our own perspective of the matter entirely. Perhaps, we can see how potent this kind of communication can be when two parties that are at odds with each other are trying to find some sort of resolution. Paradoxically, however, it has been observed for many decades now that once a person (or group) feels heard and respected for their unique perspective (validated), it generally paves the way for greater willingness to find common ground. The short and the sweet of this is because people and groups feel much less defensive and closed down once they experience a respect for their inherent right to be heard and understood (validated) for their viewpoint on reality.

We can also see how easily things stall out when one or both parties cannot work towards the goal of respectful validation. Keep in mind, we are not confusing validation here with agreement. In fact, conflict resolution often requires the temporary holding pattern of “agreeing to disagree” while efforts towards finding common ground continue. However, without some degree of validation inserted into a conflictual situation among participants, there will generally be little to no progress towards resolution, let alone lasting harmony.

Finally, let’s discuss the remarkable art of giving and receiving the narcissistic supply of empathy. If…

The reason for this is that empathy requires some capacity to feel with another person in their experience of life whether it is pain, or joy, or any combination of feelings. Like validation, empathy does not mean that we must literally feel the same feelings; this, too, is a frequent misunderstanding of what it means to empathize with another person. Empathy simply means that we are willing to resonate in our own being with the feelings that another person is having.

Empathy, therefore, also relies to a certain extent on our imaginative ability to suspend our own reality and place ourselves emotionally in another person’s shoes. Perhaps it is easy to notice how validation and empathy work hand-in-hand with each other. In truth, both require enough stabilized trust in self to relinquish the tight grip of our own opinions and feelings long enough to enter into an understanding of another person’s experience and empathize. Empathy represents our own inner effort to perceive and resonate with the inner life of another person. In doing so, we create a resonant connection from one inner self to another.

When we practice empathy, we demonstrate that we are willing to be moved emotionally by another person’s experience. In short, we are willing to be vulnerable. Often, just our silent presence – a presence that demonstrates our willingness to feel with another person in their struggles – is all that is required. Here we see how the different narcissistic supplies overlap and combine in an endless variety of ways. Our quiet, sensitive presence of empathic attunement also manifests a powerful exchange of twinship – the simple willingness to be present with someone in her pain.

Empathically attuning with another person can often be tremendously challenging both mentally and emotionally because it often requires our efforts to still the restlessness of our own inner selves. We are challenged to still our thoughts – thoughts that often include judgements and preconceived assumptions. We are also challenged to still our emotional selves – emotions that often include fears, envies, and longings. 

Finally, it bears mentioning that giving empathy to a friend or acquaintance experiencing a remarkable and joyful life event can also sometimes be quite challenging. The reason is that we may have feelings of envy, or we may have attitudes of judgement, or believe that to empathize with someone in their joy is “excessive.” Whatever the circumstances, we can notice that empathy requires a deeper effort to be vulnerable, either to another person’s feelings, or at times to our own.

For all these reasons, giving and receiving empathy is, indeed, the quintessential form of giving of ourselves and receiving from others the quality of connection that makes life worth living. When we can share all the forms of narcissistic supply with others it quite literally makes life delicious!

The term twinship is a helpful one because whether we are a twin or not, we can easily imagine the advantages that being a twin might offer – first, and perhaps most importantly – that we are not alone. This form of narcissistic supply conveys and nourishes the vital need that we all have to feel a sense of belonging! Let’s stay with the experience of a twin for the moment. The child who is a twin will also have the opportunity to witness her brother or sister experiencing life on a daily basis and notice that her sibling’s feeling reactions are generally similar to her own. The twin who is sharing these experiences of life with her sibling is learning to trust that her feelings, reactions and responses are not only similar, but normal – not normal in the clinical sense – but in learning there are universally shared feelings and reactions to life’s circumstances and challenges. She, therefore, is learning she can trust in the reliability of her world and others. So, in twinship experiences, we are nurtured in our ability to know that there is an intrinsic reality that is valid and shared by others.

Let’s take a look at one of the most common scenarios that illustrates our desire for this type of narcissistic supply. When going through a difficult life circumstance, we turn to a friend and ask, “What was it like for you when you experienced this?” or perhaps, “What would you do if you were me?” In this scenario, we don’t expect our friend to necessarily have an identical set of feelings or reactions, but we do hope to witness some similar feelings or reactions in our friend’s experience. In other words, we simply hope to feel some common bond that supports us in feeling less alone. Alternatively, we also wish to share a common bond when we are having a remarkable and wonderful experience, such as marriage or starting a family, or it may be something as simple as enjoying a beautiful sunset.

In a group context, even very diverse people can feel a sense of twinship when they share a common purpose, interest, or experience. For instance, artists frequently gather at readings, exhibitions, or retreats to foster and grow their community, just as sports fans might convene at a viewing party, club, or event to share in one another’s enthusiasm, disappointment, or elation. In another arena, recovering addicts will bond over shared recovery challenges offering twinship in the restoration of balance, strength, and hope.

Twinship interactions are also the primary nutrients that help children in large families to survive when there might be the inevitable hardship that occurs from a lack of other narcissistic supplies. Despite a scarcity of the other two types of narcissistic supplies with parents, there may be an abundance of twinship supplies. These siblings gain the invaluable opportunity to witness the shared actions, reactions, and feelings of their sibling peer group. Additionally, a friendship peer group will provide much-needed twinship supplies to a child who may feel isolated and alone within her family context.

Twinship nutrients can be exchanged both verbally and nonverbally.  In a positive context, they are exchanged nonverbally when we experience the felt safe and warm presence of another person. For instance, a father may manifest a kind of unconditional love in the form of his quiet, calm, and safe presence that is not overly demanding of a child, but provides a warm and comforting experience of acceptance and safety. A form of verbal twinship might be offered when a mother “twins” with her child who has lost a friend and says, “I think I know how you feel, I felt really lost and alone when my best friend moved away.”

It must be mentioned here that there are also dangerous and dysfunctional forms of twinship that occur in the form of destructive peer groups and at times destructive societal “mob mentalities” that express an “us versus them” mindset. We have all witnessed how quickly and forcefully a growing child may have joined with a neighborhood group of teenagers who feel a similar sense of alienation from their families or society in general. Indeed, the hate-filled groups that began to twin with one another in the rise of the Nazi Party in WWII Germany are an example of the force and destruction that can occur when unconscious groups bond to restore their selfhood via the narcissistic grandiose self. In fact, humanity’s history is filled with this type of dangerous group consciousness – one that leads to a tyrannical ideology and governance and can only be stopped by the resistance (and often, sacrifice) of healthier groups uniting in opposition.

However, when twinship is shared with the conscious intention to nurture, share, and at times restore the healthy and whole self, this exchange reminds us that we are ultimately all connected to one another, and yet we also have a potent sense of connection to our individual selves. Twinship, therefore, nurtures our shared sense of being and a shared sense of belonging in the world.

In the first blog we discussed how vital it is to have a healthy exchange of narcissistic supplies in order to feel a sense of our wellbeing and resilience in our self-esteem. Just to recap the three types of supply that we all need to develop and to sustain a healthy self, they are: admiration/idealization, twinship, and mirroring/validation/empathy. Let’s use the metaphor of a tree to illustrate the three different aspects of our being that these narcissistic supplies nurture. Since we are starting with admiration and idealization, we might think of this nurturance as the primary assistance in the upward growth of the tree trunk, that part of the tree that breaks through the surface of the earth and heads skyward towards the sun. We might say the creative impulse of our being! Mirroring/validation/empathy might be analogous to the nurturance for the branches that spread outwards in many directions and surrounds the tree with vital exchanges through the leaves. And, finally, the anchored strength of the tree in the form of its powerful roots that spread out underground as being nurtured by twinship.

Admiration and idealization are essentially two forms of exchange that have a reciprocal ebb and flow. We might say that in its primary and unconditional form, admiration is the happy look on our face that reflects our inner joy and delight upon seeing someone we love. For instance, in the healthy exchange between a parent and child, the parent will frequently offer smiling, admiring looks to the child just for her presence – in other words, just because she exists. In turn, the child will reciprocally smile with a look of joyful wonder at the all-knowing, all-powerful parent figure – a natural idealizing experience of the parent figure. Expressions of admiration/idealization nurture an anchoring of our uniqueness in the world – that both the child and/or the parent figure is singular, wonderful and one of a kind.

An unfortunate and problematic manifestation of admiration occurs when we too frequently attach admiration primarily to realities outside the self – to qualities connected to the outer self – such as perceived beauty, talent, charismatic personality, affluence, or any other conditional quality admired as special and successful in the world. While conditional expressions of admiration are important forms of support and motivation for the child (and the adult), an excess or imbalance of this type of admiration can cause a distorted focus on these conditions and unwittingly nurture the belief that one is only good enough when these conditions are met or perhaps even surpassed. Indeed, narcissistic individuals are afflicted with exactly this type of dilemma – that he or she has value only because of these outer traits or realities that garner so much admiration.

This distorted perception of self, in turn, can lead to a preoccupation and fixation on the “grandiose self” (the larger-than-life externally manifested characteristics) evidenced in the narcissistic personality disordered individual. We will address these issues in greater depth in future blog posts. 

For now, let’s remember that it is our right to sense, feel, and celebrate our value as unconditionally remarkable, unique, and special just because we breathe! We all deserve to have others (even if just one or two people) in our lives who can offer this admiring and affirming feedback to us both verbally and nonverbally. Additionally, it is healthy to celebrate and feel good about our talents, special qualities, and achievements. Ideally, we give and receive a healthy balance of affirmation or admiration for both the unconditional and conditional aspects of our being.

Idealization begins with the child’s natural need to see the parent figures as all-knowing, all-powerful, and so on, not just because of some conditional attribute, but because the parent is that special person with whom the child feels a sense of connection. In a more or less healthy scenario the early childhood forms of idealization will give way to a growing and flexible understanding of her parents as people who struggle with strengths and weaknesses and who, in fact, are not perfect. Yet, the young adult can also recognize that these imperfections are not evidence that her parents are tragically flawed or bad. Later in life, she will also need to find healthy people that she admires (idealizes to some degree) and with whom she finds inspiration and perhaps mentoring.

When idealization is fostered by the parent figures in primarily conditional ways such as the disallowance of acknowledging mistakes and limitations, the child may develop any number of distortions about self and other. For instance, later on the codependent individual frequently tends to idealize others with the notion that there are those who have it all together, while the codependent sees the self as deficient. The tendency to overly idealize others represents an attempt by the codependent to restore wholeness by connecting with others who she perceives to be more capable and special. In short, she will find herself attracted to narcissistic individuals that project the larger-than-life persona of confidence, charm, or some other exceptional presence.

For the moment, let’s underscore the healthy aspect of these two sides of the “esteem” coin of admiration/idealization. These exchanges of esteem between self and other are among the most vital of narcissistic supplies that nurture our sense of value and importance in the world. When shared in a healthy balance of unconditional and conditional manifestation, they nurture our ability to know that our being is valuable, and we offer value to others and the world in general.

Welcome dear reader to my late arrival to the blogosphere!

I finally decided to join the online discussion about narcissism for two reasons: to help clarify for interested readers a better understanding of unhealthy narcissism; and, perhaps more importantly, to illuminate and discuss healthy narcissism – a concept that often goes overlooked or misunderstood. Narcissism is, indeed, the most visible and systemic it has ever been in our cultural zeitgeist. We live in an era of social media influencers who have become their own “meta-celebrities,” meaning they’re famous for cultivating, well, their own fame. There’s a new “branding” of the self, of our identities as transactional, that constantly thrust the perils – and, at times, the superficial and enticing rewards – of narcissism before us.

At the same time, we have entered a new moment of cultural awareness centered on mental health and self-care. There is a new rallying cry to examine our interior architecture, to actively improve and care-take our emotional wellbeing. Yet, even in the midst of this deeply positive and informative new movement, we find reactionary voices that risk reducing and stigmatizing vital aspects of a healthy self as “negative,” “selfish,” or “narcissistic.” Put another way: we can grow so frightened of becoming the very thing we fear – a narcissist – we deny ourselves the crucial nutrients we require to grow as individuals. In short, we don’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. In all cases, we should push for a more nuanced understanding of the complexities at hand.

It may seem a bit unwieldy to get our arms around this topic, but that is exactly what I would like to help us do together. To get a handle on this effort, we can begin by acknowledging that we all have narcissistic needs. These needs are often categorized and referred to as the three types of narcissistic supply. By better understanding these narcissistic supplies, we can learn how vital they are for every person’s well-being, and how they manifest when they are shared in both healthy and unhealthy ways. The term narcissistic supplies originated with the work of a few pioneering psychoanalysts and psychologists of the last century – Heinz Kohut among one of my favorites. These innovative explorers began to identify three types of interactional exchanges that contribute to the healthy development of the child and the nurturance of a healthy self, indeed, throughout life. These narcissistic supplies fall into three categories generally: admiration/idealization, twinship, and mirroring/validation/empathy.

In the posts that follow, I will define and further explore each of these three types of supply, how they function, and why we need them. Once again, for good measure, we all have narcissistic needs. We need to feel admired, and to find an outlet for our own sources of admiration of others. We need to feel seen and understood in our closest relationships. And we need to feel validated and connected, to know our struggles and triumphs are shared in meaningful ways. These needs are universal to all humankind. Narcissistic personality disorder, now commonly referred to as NPD, or colloquially as “narcissism” as we think of it more simply in the popular culture, arises when our relationship to these needs gets damaged in various and potent ways during childhood.

For the moment, let’s introduce them again and outline the essential aspects of the self that they nurture. They are:

In my next post, I will start with admiration/idealization and talk about this vital nutrient in the development and sustainment of a healthy self.

On a personal note, let me say that when I first learned about these vital interactional exchanges and their role in our lives, I felt not only empowered, but excited to take this awareness on the road to observe, learn, and grow in my own development of selfhood. I hope you will feel that excitement too as we embark on this journey together!