As we discussed in the previous blog, the term codependence generally refers to issues identified within the neurotic framework of pathology: meaning a person with low self-esteem, self-doubt, and some degree of insecurity with self, alongside behavioral patterns that involve a compulsive tendency to prioritize the needs and wishes of others as well as interpersonal skill deficits with self‑assertion.
To use an analogy with the physical body, when there is an injury and the body compensates to protect it, the emotional and psychological aspects of codependency will similarly seek to compensate for the felt psychological deficits. As with the physical body, we need the assistance of support people (say, a physical therapist) who educates and guides us with constructive practices that have a sustainable impact for restoration and return to an integrated state of wellness.
The primary deficit that the codependent person is compensating for consciously is a felt sense of insecurity and need for stronger connection with others, and unconsciously for a weak sense of connection with her authentic and whole self. Though the codependent is not as profoundly unconscious as the person with a personality disorder, he or she is still harboring feelings and beliefs of unworthiness that have unconscious roots.
The compensatory mechanism (like the body analogy with other muscle groups) is to tap into those functions that are most strong, in this case the codependent’s capacity for empathy and attunement to others, and a desire to perform and please others. Returning to our analogy, just as the physical therapist assists us to strengthen the weak muscle groups so that the strong muscle groups do not stay locked in an over-functioning state, so the helping professional will need to assist the codependent to strengthen her assertiveness skills with others, as well as her connection with her healthy and whole self!
Perhaps we might take a look at the whole picture by following the psychological and behavioral realities in sequence.
- In a nutshell, codependency is compensating for a conscious and unconscious weak sense of self.
- This weak connection to self is generally accompanied by feelings of insecurity, anxiety and inadequacy, alongside conscious and unconscious notions that interpret these feelings as proof of unworthiness.
- The underlying feelings of unworthiness are expressed through a pervasive tendency to present to others as under-entitled (less deserving), often not consciously recognized.
- The compensating beliefs are those of needing others and needing to be needed by others.
- The compensating behaviors are those of focusing on and giving to others to achieve this connection, particularly those who seem to be more worthy – often the confident person and “take charge” narcissistic individual.
- The compensatory self-esteem is then achieved by becoming an indispensable support person, or perhaps simply by being recognized as a conscientious, reliable and responsible person that others turn to for help.
I can imagine what you might be thinking here. You might be asking, “what is the matter with the qualities of being a caring, helpful and conscientious support person?” The answer is nothing, of course! We can see here that the values of being empathic, caring, helpful, conscientious and so on, are noteworthy character qualities to be admired in any individual. The primary problem, however, is that these character qualities are all too often utilized as compensation and, indeed at times, camouflage for an inability to be authentically present with respect to other aspects of self. These other aspects of self are typically related to healthy entitlement regarding the value of sharing one’s own thoughts, feelings, ambitions, likes and dislikes. Indeed, we need a healthy valuing of these character qualities if we are going to express ourselves in scenarios that might cause tension or conflict with others.
Yet, the codependent’s internal confusion and self-doubt about her healthy rights in relationships (under-entitlement) alongside difficulties with self-assertion, makes for a mighty challenge to claim her authentic “yes’s” and “no’s” in relationships. Perhaps you have heard the old adage that we cannot really claim our “yes’s” until we can also claim our “no’s.”
Additionally, when we are preoccupied with something (the approval of others, for instance) we might ask, how present can we really be to the moment? And, when we are preoccupied with being accepted, liked, appreciated and so on, how genuinely observant can we be to the realities of another person, especially those realities that might signal problems and the need to say no, or to negotiate limits?
So the way out of this labyrinth for the codependent is to find safe places and safe people to explore…
- Her authentic feelings – particularly her discomfort, frustration, and anger
- Her authentic desires, wishes, and ambitions.
- Release false notions of unworthiness.
- Endlessly learn and practice assertiveness skills – eventually learning her own style and favorite repertoire of assertiveness skills.
- Develop a network of support people and practices that make the journey of healing and development safe, doable, even joy-filled.
- Extricate or radically reduce exposure to and limit the toxic behaviors of unsafe, narcissistic or NPD individuals.
Although in this blog post we will not be addressing the childhood wounding conditions that often contribute to the realities of codependency, I will just generally summarize that it tends to involve the child’s need to take care of the parent(s) in some way (even if to tolerate and keep quiet about the parent’s emotional or physical abuse) in order to gain a more functional parent, or in order to maintain the appearance of a functional family.
To return to the focus of this blog, which is to understand the problematic issues of codependent compensation for injuries and undeveloped aspects of self, it bears mentioning that – though not grandiose in the sense of the narcissistic personality disordered individual – there is a degree of grandiosity or a distorted valuing of the strengths mentioned earlier. The internal dialogue of the codependent that would give voice to this distorted self-perception might sound like the following:
- I can be the “adult in the room,” even if he or she can’t.
- My love will conquer this problem.
- There isn’t anyone that I can’t make a connection with.
- I don’t have to play a starring role.
You may notice that the codependent’s over-valuing and overuse of these character qualities (caring, empathy, and support) have now become fixed and habituated. The undiscovered character qualities of initiating one’s own pursuits and expressing one’s own opinions remain undeveloped and weak at best, and sometimes alarmingly atrophied at worst.
In addition, the undeveloped aspects of self in the codependent make it extremely challenging to recognize the need to step back and implement the necessary steps of “tough love” that involve setting limits, discerning appropriate consequences for inappropriate behaviors, and the utilization of support and help as reinforcements for the demonstration of constructive recovery efforts on the part of others. This is the work of CODA groups and Families Anonymous the world over, a learning curve that requires lots of education and support.
In my second book, I offer an overview of the healthy self and highlight the main characteristics of the healthy self. Perhaps the characteristic that is most in need of development for the codependent is the conscious embrace of the self as the center of initiative. Consequently, learning the art of assertiveness is a primary and foundational curriculum for every codependent. Finally, despite the important issues that warrant healing and commitment to self-development for a better life, I like to remind readers of a favorite quote I heard in a lecture once – “to be neurotic is a developmental achievement, not a developmental failure!” In my next blog, I will address the issues of the genuinely grandiose self of the narcissist, both overt and covert. And, we will attempt to understand how this “identity” plays such a potent compensatory role for the unconscious, disowned, and feeble authentic self.