These are some of the character qualities we need for today’s moment!
Greetings, dear readers! Let me apologize for the long delay with posting. Indeed, the world has dramatically changed since early March, and I extend my empathy and sincere wishes for your health and safety. I also hope you can access some of the qualities named above, but perhaps most of all courage, empathy and resilience as you, and all of us, face the many challenges of this marathon crisis.
Interestingly, just the day before the shutdown in my home state of Michigan, I lost my beloved watch of thirty-five years – not an expensive treasure, just a very sturdy, everyday Seiko watch. Despite my mother’s reassuring voice in my head saying, ‘Don’t worry, it will turn up,’ the symbolism is not lost on me. Time really has stopped in our world, with all the sound of a turbo-charged hot rod coming to a screeching halt.
In addition to my lost watch, I discovered only today as I write this post that I didn’t press the “publish” key to upload my last blog post. At the time, just when I thought, ‘I’ve got this,’ and I told our online web design project manager that I could post this myself – alas, I placed it in some kind of digital limbo space. Breathe in patience and self-acceptance, exhale frustration and self-judgement. And yet (here comes the reframe) perhaps this was meant to be since the title of the blog was Prioritizing Your Self-Protection Skills for Your Healing and Empowerment Process. For those of you still living in the same environment with the NPD person, this focus has become more important than ever.
So, let’s reiterate the message of the previous blog post – the first priority is safety – mental, emotional and physical. Whatever the circumstances are with the narcissist(s) in your life, and certainly the dynamics will intensify as you are sharing the same physical space, it is important to remember that any degree of confrontation that involves exposing the narcissist’s wrongdoing or irresponsible behavior is potentially a trigger that can light the fuse of verbal, mental or physically abusive behavior on the part of the narcissist. If you are living in the same environment, your number one challenge will be to reduce your exposure and engagement with the narcissist. Keep your encounters superficial and do not allow issue discussions to ensue. This does not mean that you stop setting limits on escalating behaviors such as provocations to debate or rude snipes intended to trigger a reaction. In fact, you may need a well-developed list of phrases that call for a stop action – particularly so you don’t go off-script. Phrases that we have mentioned previously are:
- I don’t accept being spoken to that way. Then leave the room.
- I’m not having this discussion right now. Then leave the room. Go to the bathroom and lock the door. If you are online, say this and stop your engagement.
- I am stopping now. I’ll talk to you later. Walk away. Put physical space between you and the narcissist, preferably a locked door.
- I’m taking a time out now. Then leave the room, or get offline. If you are on the phone, say, “I’m hanging up now. We can talk later.” Then hang up!
KEEP A FIRM, STEADY AND NEUTRAL TONE. It won’t be perfect – but do your best to find your inner “Nonreactive warrior!”
It is vital that you try not to engage a confrontation of the issues or past behaviors at this juncture since this will only fuel the fire. It is also vital that you follow up your “I statement” with behavior that demonstrates that you mean it. If things escalate, and you cannot get away, you may need to call 911 or have a signal key easily accessible on your phone to alert a friend to call for you.
Even if you are not living with the narcissist, the extra time available right now for online communications through Facebook, Instagram, texts, etc. are all potential traps that can draw you back into to the quicksand of hasty messages that can quickly overtake any sober capacity you might have had to disengage.
Now let’s prioritize a very important strategy for self-care and self-protection. Discern and clarify for yourself the behaviors and attitudes that are the most toxic for you. On a mental and emotional level it can be quite a challenge to discern the behaviors that are the most toxic. Yet, it is vital that we begin this process. So let’s spell it out. The most toxic behaviors, whether they are overt or covert, are those behaviors – and corresponding emotional attitudes on the part of the narcissist – that erode your core sense of self.
You may be thinking that doesn’t make sense because all of his or her behaviors have that impact! However, as you observe the dynamics of your interactions with the narcissist you will quickly realize that some repetitive comments, expressions, or behaviors are far more toxic for you than others. This may be due to all kinds of factors, which will undoubtedly be very interesting to explore eventually, but for the moment, the salient point is this: the most toxic behaviors are the ones that you will want to immediately prioritize for the development of self-protection strategies – not necessarily assertiveness strategies initially, but self-protection strategies that help you to feel more empowered within yourself and able to lessen the impact from within your awareness.
The reason for this may be obvious. It is vital to develop self-protection skills that help you to stabilize your own reactive nervous system so that you can remain more mentally objective, emotionally sober and able to make choices that keep you on a path towards reclaiming your healthy self. No doubt, you have observed that your capacity to maintain your emotional equilibrium is seriously compromised when you are engaged with the narcissist. Often simply being in the same room with the narcissist is a destabilizing experience from the perspective of your energy and optimism.
Let’s remember an earlier blog post when we discussed the potency of the observing self, an aspect of self that empowers us to reflect on our thoughts, feelings and body senses as important messengers for understanding and learning from our experiences. When triggered by the narcissist, we become reactive, and our access to this function is diminished. Our diminished access to our observing self, in turn, causes us to lose ground staying centered and self-aware, and we are far more prone to be drawn into the potent force field of the narcissist’s personality.
Consequently, as you begin to recognize the behaviors that are the most toxic and triggering, you will empower your ability to develop strategies that place mental and emotional boundaries around these triggers. Your inner emotional boundaries and self-protection strategies will help you to strengthen your ability to remain centered. Finally, you will gain confidence and appreciate that it is this very awareness that empowers your platform for change.
Your intention to identify and rank the most toxic behaviors on the part of the narcissist is quite an effective exercise by itself that will help you develop and strengthen your observing self, particularly your awareness surrounding your interactions. You can also strengthen your skills in observation by committing (even minimally) to a process of journaling. As you observe and journal your own emotional reactions and behaviors surrounding these toxic triggers, you will eventually be able to chart your progress and positively reinforce your change. This growing awareness will, in turn, create more space and afford you more energy – energy that empowers you to find more and more creative ways to disengage from these toxic behaviors.
Initially, you may utilize simple self-statements (that you say silently to yourself) in the form of “I am” statements that reinforce your awareness of your inherent rights. Let’s review these inherent rights and some “I am” self-statements that help to reinforce them:
- The right to know the self as reliably good, cohesive and whole. “I am a good person. I do not need to continually justify myself.”
- The right to know our thoughts and feelings. “I see it differently. I have a right to my own perspective.” “I feel ___. I have a right to my own feelings.”
- The right to experience our free will and make our own choices. “I deserve to follow my dreams and make choices that are healthy for me.”
- The right to be treated with dignity and respect. “I deserve to be treated with respect. I am going to make changes with people that cannot treat me with respect.”
- The right to hold others accountable (and be held accountable by others) if these freedoms are violated. “I am willing to reflect, communicate and work to resolve problems and differences with others. I am confident in my ability to empower my relationships or move on and let go if others cannot show their commitment to do the same.”
As we “shelter in place,” your primary tools will be journaling, meditation, participating in groups online and with YouTube, phone calls with friends, and so on. Also, you can take advantage of podcasts, books and spiritual mentors that comfort and inspire. A client today told me that her CODA group (codependency anonymous) was meeting online!
Classes and webinars online that nurture your interests, whatever they might be, are additional ways that you can create more positive connections and support your emotional wellness. You might also explore pursuing therapy online during this shutdown if you haven’t yet done this. Eventually, you will reconnect in person with your support people and groups. As I discuss in my second book, select and try out the practices and support systems that fit you best. Be flexible with these tools and be aware that you may prioritize different strategies for different challenges.
For the moment, however, reinforce your support systems with telecommunications or virtual communications, and remember always to use your tools!