For interested readers of this blog, the following material presented here is largely taken from my second book, Discovering the Healthy Self and Meaningful Resistance to Toxic Narcissism, and the chapter heading with the same title, “Identifying the Primary Triggers for Violence.”
As I mentioned in my previous blog, if your relationship or family system reflects any of the abuse dynamics previously described, there is little doubt that the potential for violence exists. You may also need to confront the denial or the stereotype that abuse only occurs in socioeconomically depressed families or chaotic environments. Regardless of socioeconomic status or other appearances, the narcissist abuser harbors pent-up anger, envy and contempt for individuals that reside in his or her inner circle and these realities increase the potential for violence.
Let’s also remember that there are various forms of violence: emotional violence (violence that erodes a person’s sense of self), social violence (devaluing a person’s reputation in the public domain), financial violence (using money to dominate and control or to commit fraud), and of course, physical violence (pushing, shoving, throwing things, blocking or restraining a person’s free movement, purposefully putting a person in a physically harmful situation such as reckless driving, leaving doors unlocked, etc.).
When dealing with the narcissist abuser, you must seek help from a professional qualified to assess the severity of the issues and recommend the extra support you may require. In fact, any potential for violence will require interventions that exceed the normal guidelines of emotional healing and recovery. Professionals with expertise in the area of emotional and physical abuse are inevitably more aware and sensitive to the potential for violence in any given scenario, even if there is no history of violence.
Another effective beginning tool would be to complete one of the danger assessment inventories that can be found on the internet. These inventories can assist you in discerning the level of risk for violence that may exist in an emotionally abusive relationship – not just a romantic relationship – but perhaps a family relationship or a business relationship. At one time, Gavin de Becker’s “dangerousness inventory” was offered for free on Oprah’s website. Additionally, de Becker’s book, The Gift of Fear, is a sobering book that educates his readers about the realities of predatory sociopaths and some of the more common practices that can help alert an individual to protect against manipulations and wily practices.
Finally, let’s take note of an important finding of Frank S. Perri, JD, MBA, CPA and Terrance G. Lichtenwald, PhD. Their work underscores the degree of caution that a codependent must consider regarding behaviors that may trigger violence in the narcissist with sociopathic tendencies. After conducting a careful analysis of cases where white-collar criminals committed violent crimes, Perri and Lichtenwald (2007, 2008) identified an entire sub-category of criminal that the FBI previously had not recognized. Their findings revealed that given the right circumstances and personality traits, the white-collar criminal (who had previously remained undetected) can “turn red” and become violent when they realize that they are discovered and may be exposed. The victims of these crimes are generally someone with whom the “red-collar” criminal has been intimately associated, either within the family (a spouse) or within the workplace (a coworker or an employer).
Although their findings are aimed at improving law enforcement and crime detection, their work also holds great significance for the prevention of violence on the part of the narcissist abuser against the codependent. These findings are relevant for two reasons:
- First, they warn us to behave discreetly and seek protection before rashly confronting the NPD individual.
- Second, we realize that discoveries of other misdeeds (an affair, or other unethical behavior for instance) should also be handled with care.
Let’s return for a moment to the codependent’s perspective – tormented by relentless devaluing projections and emotional manipulations. With the discovery of the narcissist’s wrongdoing, the codependent now possesses the proof that validates her own reality. At this moment, she may experience a powerful desire to turn the tables on the narcissist. The impulse to ambush her partner in righteous confrontation, threatening to expose him or threatening immediate divorce action, may feel almost impossible to resist. Despite this irresistible temptation, confronting the narcissist can have catastrophic side effects, potentially triggering the NPD person’s capacity for violence.
Additionally, the period of time leading up to and following a divorce must be regarded as a potentially high-risk scenario for the risk of violence. As de Becker’s work reminds us, statistics on violence have amply demonstrated the increase of violence during this time frame. Here, we can see how the NPD individual can be triggered when the consequences of his actions become real and immediately felt.
In summary, confrontation of any unethical or unlawful behavior on the part of the NPD individual is something to approach with caution – especially emotionally-charged situations such as divorce actions or employment conflicts. Your wisest choice is to discreetly seek professional help so that you can utilize skillful disengagement strategies as you set limits and refuse to allow the emotional and/or physical abuse to continue. This will primarily be safely undertaken with outside help. Recommended reading for further education would be: Martha Stout – The Sociopath Next Door, Gavin de Becker – The Gift of Fear, Marie-France Hirigoyen – Stalking the Soul, Howard Halpern – How to Break Your Addiction to a Person, Eleanor Payson – Discovering the Healthy Self and Meaningful Resistance to Toxic Narcissism.