Welcome dear reader to my late arrival to the blogosphere!
I finally decided to join the online discussion about narcissism for two reasons: to help clarify for interested readers a better understanding of unhealthy narcissism; and, perhaps more importantly, to illuminate and discuss healthy narcissism – a concept that often goes overlooked or misunderstood. Narcissism is, indeed, the most visible and systemic it has ever been in our cultural zeitgeist. We live in an era of social media influencers who have become their own “meta-celebrities,” meaning they’re famous for cultivating, well, their own fame. There’s a new “branding” of the self, of our identities as transactional, that constantly thrust the perils – and, at times, the superficial and enticing rewards – of narcissism before us.
At the same time, we have entered a new moment of cultural awareness centered on mental health and self-care. There is a new rallying cry to examine our interior architecture, to actively improve and care-take our emotional wellbeing. Yet, even in the midst of this deeply positive and informative new movement, we find reactionary voices that risk reducing and stigmatizing vital aspects of a healthy self as “negative,” “selfish,” or “narcissistic.” Put another way: we can grow so frightened of becoming the very thing we fear – a narcissist – we deny ourselves the crucial nutrients we require to grow as individuals. In short, we don’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. In all cases, we should push for a more nuanced understanding of the complexities at hand.
It may seem a bit unwieldy to get our arms around this topic, but that is exactly what I would like to help us do together. To get a handle on this effort, we can begin by acknowledging that we all have narcissistic needs. These needs are often categorized and referred to as the three types of narcissistic supply. By better understanding these narcissistic supplies, we can learn how vital they are for every person’s well-being, and how they manifest when they are shared in both healthy and unhealthy ways. The term narcissistic supplies originated with the work of a few pioneering psychoanalysts and psychologists of the last century – Heinz Kohut among one of my favorites. These innovative explorers began to identify three types of interactional exchanges that contribute to the healthy development of the child and the nurturance of a healthy self, indeed, throughout life. These narcissistic supplies fall into three categories generally: admiration/idealization, twinship, and mirroring/validation/empathy.
In the posts that follow, I will define and further explore each of these three types of supply, how they function, and why we need them. Once again, for good measure, we all have narcissistic needs. We need to feel admired, and to find an outlet for our own sources of admiration of others. We need to feel seen and understood in our closest relationships. And we need to feel validated and connected, to know our struggles and triumphs are shared in meaningful ways. These needs are universal to all humankind. Narcissistic personality disorder, now commonly referred to as NPD, or colloquially as “narcissism” as we think of it more simply in the popular culture, arises when our relationship to these needs gets damaged in various and potent ways during childhood.
For the moment, let’s introduce them again and outline the essential aspects of the self that they nurture. They are:
- Admiration/Idealization: the healthy appreciation, affirmation and valuing of self and others.
- Twinship: the anchoring and felt presence of a positive sense of self and a positive sense of others; a sense of belonging.
- Mirroring, validation, and empathy: healthy self-dialogue and the capacity for healthy dialogue with others.
In my next post, I will start with admiration/idealization and talk about this vital nutrient in the development and sustainment of a healthy self.
On a personal note, let me say that when I first learned about these vital interactional exchanges and their role in our lives, I felt not only empowered, but excited to take this awareness on the road to observe, learn, and grow in my own development of selfhood. I hope you will feel that excitement too as we embark on this journey together!