In the first blog we discussed how vital it is to have a healthy exchange of narcissistic supplies in order to feel a sense of our wellbeing and resilience in our self-esteem. Just to recap the three types of supply that we all need to develop and to sustain a healthy self, they are: admiration/idealization, twinship, and mirroring/validation/empathy. Let’s use the metaphor of a tree to illustrate the three different aspects of our being that these narcissistic supplies nurture. Since we are starting with admiration and idealization, we might think of this nurturance as the primary assistance in the upward growth of the tree trunk, that part of the tree that breaks through the surface of the earth and heads skyward towards the sun. We might say the creative impulse of our being! Mirroring/validation/empathy might be analogous to the nurturance for the branches that spread outwards in many directions and surrounds the tree with vital exchanges through the leaves. And, finally, the anchored strength of the tree in the form of its powerful roots that spread out underground as being nurtured by twinship.
Admiration and idealization are essentially two forms of exchange that have a reciprocal ebb and flow. We might say that in its primary and unconditional form, admiration is the happy look on our face that reflects our inner joy and delight upon seeing someone we love. For instance, in the healthy exchange between a parent and child, the parent will frequently offer smiling, admiring looks to the child just for her presence – in other words, just because she exists. In turn, the child will reciprocally smile with a look of joyful wonder at the all-knowing, all-powerful parent figure – a natural idealizing experience of the parent figure. Expressions of admiration/idealization nurture an anchoring of our uniqueness in the world – that both the child and/or the parent figure is singular, wonderful and one of a kind.
An unfortunate and problematic manifestation of admiration occurs when we too frequently attach admiration primarily to realities outside the self – to qualities connected to the outer self – such as perceived beauty, talent, charismatic personality, affluence, or any other conditional quality admired as special and successful in the world. While conditional expressions of admiration are important forms of support and motivation for the child (and the adult), an excess or imbalance of this type of admiration can cause a distorted focus on these conditions and unwittingly nurture the belief that one is only good enough when these conditions are met or perhaps even surpassed. Indeed, narcissistic individuals are afflicted with exactly this type of dilemma – that he or she has value only because of these outer traits or realities that garner so much admiration.
This distorted perception of self, in turn, can lead to a preoccupation and fixation on the “grandiose self” (the larger-than-life externally manifested characteristics) evidenced in the narcissistic personality disordered individual. We will address these issues in greater depth in future blog posts.
For now, let’s remember that it is our right to sense, feel, and celebrate our value as unconditionally remarkable, unique, and special just because we breathe! We all deserve to have others (even if just one or two people) in our lives who can offer this admiring and affirming feedback to us both verbally and nonverbally. Additionally, it is healthy to celebrate and feel good about our talents, special qualities, and achievements. Ideally, we give and receive a healthy balance of affirmation or admiration for both the unconditional and conditional aspects of our being.
Idealization begins with the child’s natural need to see the parent figures as all-knowing, all-powerful, and so on, not just because of some conditional attribute, but because the parent is that special person with whom the child feels a sense of connection. In a more or less healthy scenario the early childhood forms of idealization will give way to a growing and flexible understanding of her parents as people who struggle with strengths and weaknesses and who, in fact, are not perfect. Yet, the young adult can also recognize that these imperfections are not evidence that her parents are tragically flawed or bad. Later in life, she will also need to find healthy people that she admires (idealizes to some degree) and with whom she finds inspiration and perhaps mentoring.
When idealization is fostered by the parent figures in primarily conditional ways such as the disallowance of acknowledging mistakes and limitations, the child may develop any number of distortions about self and other. For instance, later on the codependent individual frequently tends to idealize others with the notion that there are those who have it all together, while the codependent sees the self as deficient. The tendency to overly idealize others represents an attempt by the codependent to restore wholeness by connecting with others who she perceives to be more capable and special. In short, she will find herself attracted to narcissistic individuals that project the larger-than-life persona of confidence, charm, or some other exceptional presence.
For the moment, let’s underscore the healthy aspect of these two sides of the “esteem” coin of admiration/idealization. These exchanges of esteem between self and other are among the most vital of narcissistic supplies that nurture our sense of value and importance in the world. When shared in a healthy balance of unconditional and conditional manifestation, they nurture our ability to know that our being is valuable, and we offer value to others and the world in general.