The term twinship is a helpful one because whether we are a twin or not, we can easily imagine the advantages that being a twin might offer – first, and perhaps most importantly – that we are not alone. This form of narcissistic supply conveys and nourishes the vital need that we all have to feel a sense of belonging! Let’s stay with the experience of a twin for the moment. The child who is a twin will also have the opportunity to witness her brother or sister experiencing life on a daily basis and notice that her sibling’s feeling reactions are generally similar to her own. The twin who is sharing these experiences of life with her sibling is learning to trust that her feelings, reactions and responses are not only similar, but normal – not normal in the clinical sense – but in learning there are universally shared feelings and reactions to life’s circumstances and challenges. She, therefore, is learning she can trust in the reliability of her world and others. So, in twinship experiences, we are nurtured in our ability to know that there is an intrinsic reality that is valid and shared by others.
Let’s take a look at one of the most common scenarios that illustrates our desire for this type of narcissistic supply. When going through a difficult life circumstance, we turn to a friend and ask, “What was it like for you when you experienced this?” or perhaps, “What would you do if you were me?” In this scenario, we don’t expect our friend to necessarily have an identical set of feelings or reactions, but we do hope to witness some similar feelings or reactions in our friend’s experience. In other words, we simply hope to feel some common bond that supports us in feeling less alone. Alternatively, we also wish to share a common bond when we are having a remarkable and wonderful experience, such as marriage or starting a family, or it may be something as simple as enjoying a beautiful sunset.
In a group context, even very diverse people can feel a sense of twinship when they share a common purpose, interest, or experience. For instance, artists frequently gather at readings, exhibitions, or retreats to foster and grow their community, just as sports fans might convene at a viewing party, club, or event to share in one another’s enthusiasm, disappointment, or elation. In another arena, recovering addicts will bond over shared recovery challenges offering twinship in the restoration of balance, strength, and hope.
Twinship interactions are also the primary nutrients that help children in large families to survive when there might be the inevitable hardship that occurs from a lack of other narcissistic supplies. Despite a scarcity of the other two types of narcissistic supplies with parents, there may be an abundance of twinship supplies. These siblings gain the invaluable opportunity to witness the shared actions, reactions, and feelings of their sibling peer group. Additionally, a friendship peer group will provide much-needed twinship supplies to a child who may feel isolated and alone within her family context.
Twinship nutrients can be exchanged both verbally and nonverbally. In a positive context, they are exchanged nonverbally when we experience the felt safe and warm presence of another person. For instance, a father may manifest a kind of unconditional love in the form of his quiet, calm, and safe presence that is not overly demanding of a child, but provides a warm and comforting experience of acceptance and safety. A form of verbal twinship might be offered when a mother “twins” with her child who has lost a friend and says, “I think I know how you feel, I felt really lost and alone when my best friend moved away.”
It must be mentioned here that there are also dangerous and dysfunctional forms of twinship that occur in the form of destructive peer groups and at times destructive societal “mob mentalities” that express an “us versus them” mindset. We have all witnessed how quickly and forcefully a growing child may have joined with a neighborhood group of teenagers who feel a similar sense of alienation from their families or society in general. Indeed, the hate-filled groups that began to twin with one another in the rise of the Nazi Party in WWII Germany are an example of the force and destruction that can occur when unconscious groups bond to restore their selfhood via the narcissistic grandiose self. In fact, humanity’s history is filled with this type of dangerous group consciousness – one that leads to a tyrannical ideology and governance and can only be stopped by the resistance (and often, sacrifice) of healthier groups uniting in opposition.
However, when twinship is shared with the conscious intention to nurture, share, and at times restore the healthy and whole self, this exchange reminds us that we are ultimately all connected to one another, and yet we also have a potent sense of connection to our individual selves. Twinship, therefore, nurtures our shared sense of being and a shared sense of belonging in the world.