What is the difference between having narcissistic traits vs. narcissistic personality disorder?
I am asked this question frequently because many people struggling in relationships with narcissistic individuals are understandably keen to learn if there is hope for change, or if one is stuck on the merry-go-round of repeating patterns indefinitely. So, first let me encourage you to take a step back and realize that answers to these questions are not easy even for the experienced therapist to discover. In your efforts to wrestle with these issues in any relationship, let me also encourage you to build a good support system for the journey and commit to the development of self-care strategies that nourish and repair the inevitable depletion to your own sense of self that occurs in these relationships.
The desire for a person to explore these questions often brings to my mind a children’s book I once read called That’s Good! That’s Bad! While the challenges are difficult and painful – that’s bad! Yet, we inevitably discover and develop wisdom and empowerment along the way – that’s good! Hmm, I guess also like Dorothy’s journey in The Wizard of Oz. Okay, back to the business at hand.
Learning how to discern the difference between narcissistic traits in a person vs. the presence of a deeper pathology is similar to how a doctor diagnoses a disease – it comes into view as the symptoms emerge and what they look like over time. Likewise, the narcissistic personality disorder is diagnosed from the presence of a number of behaviors and disturbances that occur over time along with an observed degree of severity and prevalence of these problematic patterns. Narcissistic traits might reference both intrapsychic preoccupations with self (within the individual’s psyche) and interpersonal behaviors (interactional dynamics that hijack the narcissistic supplies with others). Narcissistic traits, therefore, can be manifest in a person who has traits but not the full personality disorder. On the other hand, they will inevitably be a powerful part of the picture of those individuals who do have the full narcissistic personality disorder.
So, to complete this overview, let’s consider an example of an intrapsychic and interpersonal trait that would deserve to be identified as a “narcissistic trait.” One narcissistic trait might be a person’s anxious or tense preoccupation with what others think along with a significant dwelling on how to manage a positive impression such as success, power, charm, intelligence, talent and so on. Behaviorally, the individual may have a difficult time letting others “take the floor” to share something of themselves, or the narcissistic individual may covertly demonstrate a patronizing stance that insinuates a kind of credit-taking for another person’s success, perhaps usurping the accomplishment by subtly referencing his or her indispensable support. This example helps us to notice how the intrapsychic trait of preoccupation with what others think leads to the interpersonally exploitative exchanges in the person’s outer behaviors.
Other narcissistic traits might be: an interactional exchange that becomes more one-way perhaps with regards to listening, or more taking than giving with regards to efforts made in your negotiations such as when and where you are going to meet, who is going to drive, who is going to pay for something, etc. The narcissistic traits are not always in the concrete details (although you certainly want to pay attention to these) but more in the attitude of respectful consideration that is demonstrated, or not demonstrated, as you negotiate your shared involvement. When you can maintain a fuller awareness of your own feelings and observations along with your commitment to a process of communication that is respectful and fair, you will have more opportunity to notice how the other person interacts with you. In other words, is he or she demonstrating a similar “good faith” effort, or by contrast is he or she subtly or openly diverting and preventing a process of mutuality in the exchange? We can see here how much work may need to be done on your part to elevate your awareness of yourself – your thoughts and feelings, your observation skills, and your communication skills.
Let’s return to the discernment of narcissistic traits in a person vs. the potential narcissistic personality disorder. An individual with only strong narcissistic traits, but not the personality disorder, will generally have some awareness of these issues and their negative impact. Though defensive initially when the problematic behaviors are brought to the person’s attention, the person with narcissistic traits will generally demonstrate a degree of genuine concern as well as some motivation to work on the issues. In other words, once the escalated moment of confrontation calms down, the person with narcissistic traits is able to demonstrate, at least to a degree, a willingness to self-reflect and to take some ownership of his or her contribution to the challenging event. Inevitably, these confrontations involve contrasting perceptions and feelings on the part of each participant. As mentioned earlier, your ability to effectively communicate without getting caught in the trap of emotional reactivity, or intellectual wheel spinning, will involve your full commitment to learning the art and skill of assertiveness communication, which also includes learning to set limits and disengage.
The initial signals indicating that a narcissistic personality disorder is present are many and varied, yet perhaps the endless appearance of mental and/or emotional amnesia regarding the problematic behaviors is one of the more prominent features that may signal the presence of a personality disorder. In other words, regardless of how many times a problematic pattern has occurred and how many times you may have stated your frustration and insistence that something change, the individual with a personality disorder will often demonstrate a mental amnesia (an inability to remember that the problem has occurred repetitively and/or that you have addressed it explicitly and repetitively) or, on the other hand, an emotional amnesia (the incident is remembered, but the significant emotional distress that it caused is forgotten and dismissed despite you having made your distress evident).
In a nutshell, individuals with personality disorders of all kinds have a remarkable capacity to deny (repress or suppress acknowledgement of problematic behaviors) or a remarkable capacity to compartmentalize an issue (separate the issue into some kind of “compartment” so that it exists only in an abstract and diminished form). The demonstration of these formidable defense structures seems to be at least one hallmark that may signal the presence of a personality disorder. The defenses of splitting and projection are other common defenses utilized in the more primitive defense structures of the personality disordered individual. For the purposes of this blog, I will refer you to my books to learn more about these defense structures.
Additional to the presence of potent defense structures, there are also vital functions within the person that are missing or perhaps marginally operating such as an observing self, a capacity for sustained empathy, and self-regulation of impulses and emotions. This overall picture eventually allows the clinician to recognize the presence of a personality disorder, which in a nutshell means that the person’s sense of self is organized around the presence of deep defense structures that cover an arrested development of the important functions previously mentioned. The outer presentation (personality or persona) is often a long-standing protective disguise camouflaging the deeper issues that will generally be observed only in relationships where there is extended and repeated involvement. Prognosis for change with the full NPD will be significantly less optimistic. Yet with sustained and committed therapy effort, there can be a softening of the brittle and rigid nature of the defenses. Perhaps significantly more progress can occur if the individual is motivated and working with the right therapist. Unfortunately, the motivation for this kind of work with the NPD is rather rare.
Eventually, a clearer picture will emerge. If the issues are only “narcissistic traits,” they will be just that – traits – that over time will diminish along with more self-awareness and skill development. Of course, this progress can only occur when the individual commits to a sustained effort to work on his or her issues. By contrast, the individual with the narcissistic personality disorder (or – it bears mentioning – other types of personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder, passive aggressive personality disorder, obsessive compulsive personality disorder, etc.) will demonstrate an inevitable return to the basic patterns and defense structures that become so confounding and toxic for the healthier individuals in his or her life.
It is also not uncommon for people who come into therapy with me to acknowledge that they are aware of a potential mix of both narcissistic traits and codependent tendencies in themselves. To these individuals, I inevitably say bravo, welcome to the middle ground (healthier foundation) of human development and a capacity for self-awareness that allows for healing and growth! For any individual, the journey towards healing, growth, and self-realization (self-actualization) must start with awareness! We simply must begin to see a clearer picture of ourselves and others if we are going to progress in our development. As we begin to understand what the healthy self is all about and the continuum of narcissistic disturbance, we can feel a sense of inspired empowerment to heal, grow and find a deeper fulfillment as we enjoy the journey of pursuing our goals in life. In the next blog post we will examine the issues of codependency and explore how they fit into the picture of narcissistic disturbances we have been exploring in this discussion.