Okay, now that we have generally summarized the three categories of narcissistic supplies, we can begin to discuss their importance with respect to our relationships, no matter what type of relationship. Of course, the more involved we are with a person the more important it will be to assess the nature (the dynamics) of our exchanges of narcissistic supplies. To name a few of these types of relationships, they might be…
- close family members,
- friends,
- a romantic or spousal relationship,
- colleagues and supervisors,
- neighbors,
- professional service providers and others.
Often we can get a handle on why we feel generally positive after an encounter with someone, such as calm, satisfied, confident or uplifted. Or conversely, we may feel drained, tense, anxious or uncertain after spending time with someone. Inevitably there is a direct correlation to the quality of the exchange of narcissistic supplies. If we feel grounded and generally good following a date, a meeting, or even a brief encounter, the exchanges of narcissistic supplies are likely to have been shared in healthy and generous ways. By contrast, if our interactions leave us feeling drained and generally off-kilter, we may wish to carefully evaluate the nature of our own and the other person’s part in giving and receiving narcissistic supplies. One other important emotional state to observe is the emotional state of infatuation or a euphoric and excited state. These feelings are not by definition wrong or problematic, but they can signal that we have been drawn into the charismatic and capturing trance of the narcissistic person’s potent personality. In fact, the popular phrase “love bombed” is a useful one for paying attention to this type of emotional flooding. This signals that we may have been showered, either verbally or nonverbally, with narcissistic supplies given by the narcissistic or NPD individual!
You may also notice what types of narcissistic supplies (of the three categories) seem to be the most commonly shared, or perhaps not shared. Frequently, when we have a negative “leftover” feeling, we may notice that there was a lack of these supplies, or perhaps they were intermittently mixed with subtle, or not so subtle, negative communications such as criticisms or odd remarks that have seemingly no direct connection to the context or subject of discussion. Quite commonly, with the “mirror hungry” narcissistic individual, we may have been bombarded with a verbal display or narrative that can flood any patient person’s capacity for listening. Or perhaps with the introverted narcissistic individual, we may encounter an exchange that is mixed with an odd set of nonverbal communications that adds an extra layer of challenge for decoding.
So, to encourage you to take this task to heart (observing the exchange of narcissistic supplies) if nothing else were to be gained, you would develop a greater capacity and skill with your “observing self,” a vital function in any adult’s life. In truth, however, you will also develop a great many other capacities. You will develop your awareness and appreciation of how nurturing it feels to give and receive quality exchanges of narcissistic supplies with others. More importantly, you will improve your ability to identify quality people worthy of including into your various relationship circles.
You can also improve your ability to identify warning signals of the one-way relationship that will, in turn, allow you to keep boundaries in place for preventative protection against unfortunate and costly entanglements. Last but not least, when you are in a draining or even toxic relationship with a narcissistic or NPD individual, you can begin to evaluate some of the primary factors that make the relationship so exhausting and create better boundaries by reducing your exposure to these unhealthy exchanges. You will also start to really “get it” as to why it is so important to seek out healthy people capable of nurturing your wellness.
Let’s now dive into the more average range of functioning, among those individuals in our relationship circles. With our understanding of the various types of narcissistic supplies, we can also identify why some friends are so good at certain types of support and association, yet may be rather deficient (perhaps even extremely deficient) with other types of support or association.
Say you are a man with a very close friend who has demonstrated that he can be there for you to offer meaningful support with the challenges of life when the chips are down. Yet somehow, when good fortune comes along, or you accomplish a major achievement, this friend can barely muster a single affirmation such as “congratulations, good job,” or “I’m happy for you.” Believe it or not, this kind of strange inability to offer admiration/idealization can, in fact, be contrasted by a remarkable ability to offer twinship, or validation and empathy when life offers up painful experiences. Several factors, no doubt, are in play here with this odd pairing of ability and inability. Perhaps the friend never received much of the narcissistic supply of admiration/idealization himself. Further than that, perhaps he received negative conditioning that taught him that compliments foster weakness – “for what a person should do anyway” – believing that to offer affirmation is to foster “big head.” Whatever the reasons – and we can be sure that there are unconscious causes for this odd combination of capacities and deficiencies – we learn to work with the friends in our lives for what they can offer, and to turn to others for the needs we have that they can’t offer. Without this discernment, we may eventually find ourselves ending the friendship altogether due to the disappointment of his inability to share in one’s joy – a friendship that is very worthy in many ways. Needless to say, some friendships are so compromised regarding the ability to offer meaningful narcissistic supplies that we may need to distance ourselves or even end the connection.
Our discussion here would be woefully lacking if we did not mention the importance of improving our own efforts to offer these types of narcissistic supply with greater skill and generosity, particularly with respect to our closer relationships. In addition, as we observe our own efforts and skill in offering narcissistic supply to others, we begin to realize that we really do not want to unnecessarily feed the voracious appetite of those who would dominate without reciprocating the narcissistic supplies of life – an unconscious and compulsive tendency of codependency in a person to do just that. Learning how to be more intentional in our exchanges with others will help us to reshape our relationship circles over time so that they become much more fulfilling and meaningful.
When we are mindful of the healthy exchange of narcissistic supplies in our relationships, we can empower ourselves to maintain better boundaries and better balance. This, in turn, helps us to navigate the challenges with narcissistic individuals.