Like communication, mirroring, validation and empathy enable us to establish and sustain connections with each other as we negotiate the infinite variety of life’s realities. In addition, these vital exchanges of narcissistic supply are primarily verbal, yet they can also be expressed nonverbally in facial expressions and body language. Let’s take a look at how each of these elements of narcissistic supply can exist separately and yet how powerfully they can also work in tandem.
Mirroring – Analogous to a mirror, is a verbal or nonverbal expression that reflects back to another person the reality of her being. Take for example, the mother who playfully echoes her baby’s cooing vocalizations. As a witness to this intimate exchange, we might notice the joy that they each experience – a reflection of the delight that they are taking in each other’s presence – also an example of admiration/idealization. We might also recognize that this mirroring exchange communicates a sense of twinship (I am like you) as the mother lets herself engage in the baby’s form of self-expression. The mother in this scenario is providing the basic nutrients for the baby to see herself in the mother. In turn, the baby begins to internalize the potent awareness that her being and her connections with others are positive and reliable. If the mother were to behave in a consistently non-responsive manner to the baby’s efforts to communicate, we would eventually witness the frustrated and defeated countenance of the infant, even though it might be subtle. Indeed, if the primary caretakers of the baby and growing toddler are regularly deficient in providing basic mirroring functions, we can imagine how this child will internalize feelings of insecurity, loss, and frustration. Indeed, these internalized feelings may lead to any number of challenges later in life such as anxiety, a defeated attitude towards life, low frustration tolerance, and a general lack of resilience to the challenges of life.
Even as adults when we become emotionally reactive, we will witness a kind of emotional regression and neediness to be heard in a more precise way, one that may insist on word-for-word mirroring from a spouse or a friend. In fact, many relationship therapy and conflict management strategies tap into this understanding by teaching participants the importance of taking turns mirroring each other – as an initial step – in a process to achieve greater understanding of each other’s perspectives and eventually to find their common ground.
Validation is yet another stepping stone in our effort to reach beyond ourselves and communicate that we comprehend another person’s perspective, even when it may be quite different or in contrast to our own perspective. You can, no doubt, already see here that validation requires a significantly greater capacity both mentally and emotionally as we make the effort to value and respect the rights of others to have their own views. In a world that so commonly misconstrues validation with the concept of agreement, it can seem like a formidable step indeed to stretch beyond ourselves and “try on” another person’s viewpoint of reality. Yet, we make this effort so that we can let the person know that – although we may see something very differently – we can nonetheless comprehend how he or she views something and respect that he or she has a right to that perspective. In this rudimentary form, we are offering a kind of communication that validates that we comprehend and respect the person’s right to his or her perspective no matter how different from our own.
Of course, it is infinitely easier to validate another person’s perspective when it more closely resembles our own because we are always more comfortable with individuals with whom we feel we share a familiar outlook on life, perhaps due to an imbedded sense of twinship that we discussed in the previous blog post. In fact, as a therapist of many years, I have observed in both myself and my clients that even when we validate from a perspective of agreement, it can obscure our greater understanding of the unique nuances that are being expressed by the other person, because once again, the challenge is to see past ourselves and take in a more comprehensive understanding of the other person.
So, to recap, validation is some form of communication that says “I think I understand where you are coming from.” However, to demonstrate that we “get it,” we must try to summarize that understanding without inserting either our agreement or our disagreement. In other words, an exclusive validation of another person’s perspective would leave out our own perspective of the matter entirely. Perhaps, we can see how potent this kind of communication can be when two parties that are at odds with each other are trying to find some sort of resolution. Paradoxically, however, it has been observed for many decades now that once a person (or group) feels heard and respected for their unique perspective (validated), it generally paves the way for greater willingness to find common ground. The short and the sweet of this is because people and groups feel much less defensive and closed down once they experience a respect for their inherent right to be heard and understood (validated) for their viewpoint on reality.
We can also see how easily things stall out when one or both parties cannot work towards the goal of respectful validation. Keep in mind, we are not confusing validation here with agreement. In fact, conflict resolution often requires the temporary holding pattern of “agreeing to disagree” while efforts towards finding common ground continue. However, without some degree of validation inserted into a conflictual situation among participants, there will generally be little to no progress towards resolution, let alone lasting harmony.
Finally, let’s discuss the remarkable art of giving and receiving the narcissistic supply of empathy. If…
- mirroring requires some degree of awareness, patience, and skill, and…
- validation requires a greater effort of mental and emotional stretching, then…
- empathy, we might say, requires the capacity to open ourselves to an even greater effort – the willingness to experience some degree of vulnerability.
The reason for this is that empathy requires some capacity to feel with another person in their experience of life whether it is pain, or joy, or any combination of feelings. Like validation, empathy does not mean that we must literally feel the same feelings; this, too, is a frequent misunderstanding of what it means to empathize with another person. Empathy simply means that we are willing to resonate in our own being with the feelings that another person is having.
Empathy, therefore, also relies to a certain extent on our imaginative ability to suspend our own reality and place ourselves emotionally in another person’s shoes. Perhaps it is easy to notice how validation and empathy work hand-in-hand with each other. In truth, both require enough stabilized trust in self to relinquish the tight grip of our own opinions and feelings long enough to enter into an understanding of another person’s experience and empathize. Empathy represents our own inner effort to perceive and resonate with the inner life of another person. In doing so, we create a resonant connection from one inner self to another.
When we practice empathy, we demonstrate that we are willing to be moved emotionally by another person’s experience. In short, we are willing to be vulnerable. Often, just our silent presence – a presence that demonstrates our willingness to feel with another person in their struggles – is all that is required. Here we see how the different narcissistic supplies overlap and combine in an endless variety of ways. Our quiet, sensitive presence of empathic attunement also manifests a powerful exchange of twinship – the simple willingness to be present with someone in her pain.
Empathically attuning with another person can often be tremendously challenging both mentally and emotionally because it often requires our efforts to still the restlessness of our own inner selves. We are challenged to still our thoughts – thoughts that often include judgements and preconceived assumptions. We are also challenged to still our emotional selves – emotions that often include fears, envies, and longings.
Finally, it bears mentioning that giving empathy to a friend or acquaintance experiencing a remarkable and joyful life event can also sometimes be quite challenging. The reason is that we may have feelings of envy, or we may have attitudes of judgement, or believe that to empathize with someone in their joy is “excessive.” Whatever the circumstances, we can notice that empathy requires a deeper effort to be vulnerable, either to another person’s feelings, or at times to our own.
For all these reasons, giving and receiving empathy is, indeed, the quintessential form of giving of ourselves and receiving from others the quality of connection that makes life worth living. When we can share all the forms of narcissistic supply with others it quite literally makes life delicious!